PoundtheBudweiser

Glory Days - Books I Writed - Part 4

2012-01-27T08:15:00.001-05:00

More books from the box in my mom's attic.
Log Jam at Stalag 13 Inches, 2001 -- Nothing like a big, steaming hunk of German bratwurst to satisfy the ladies.

Princess Grace Marries the Lorax, 1990 -- Very high and/or very desperate describes everyone associated with this effort.

Fantastic Voyage to her Cervix and Back, 2002 -- The last Doctor Evelyn Anderson, Lesbian OB/GYN Adventure I ever got to pen. I miss those days. I used to get ten cents a page which was good money in 2002.

How TBS Turned Harold and Kumar Gay (not that there's anything wrong with that)

2012-01-25T16:36:00.004-05:00

Last weekend while trolling for something to watch during the commercials of the football games, I found Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle on TBS. Touchdown!

Even better, Sophie sitting on the couch with me had never seen it. Problem is that the movie was so edited down that it became unintentionally funny and downright stupid.

When I flipped it on, the boys are at Princeton, a funny scene with Kenneth Park, Class of 2004 that stayed funny despite TBS' best efforts.

Then we get to meet Christy and Clarissa, the hot, stuck-up, British preppie chicks that want to party. They invite Kumar up to their room to smoke some weed! The pink one is carrying a Mr. Taco bag so it looks like they're planning on providing munchies of all sorts.

That's the last we see of Christy and Clarissa. When the boys hide in the woman's room from the cops, the girls never show up. We cut straight to the Asian Student Party.

TBS didn't even show them preening at the mirror.

Battleshits was a no go.

At the Asian party, the boys watch the dance floor through a window and its obvious that they are loving everything they see. When we finally get to watch the party, TBS cuts out the hot, topless Asian chick and every other Asian with a vagina. The only boobs we see are attached to a topless, Kenneth Park, Class of 2004, dancing like its 1999.

Cut to Harold and Kumar looking like naked Kenneth Park is the hottest fucking thing ever. "Dude, we so should have gone to this party!"

Cops show up. Good bye Princeton.

Sophie turns to me and asks, "Are Harold and Kumar gay?"

Biggest laugh of the night. Not only did a chubby, naked, Korean dork turn Harold and Kumar on, they never bothered to go looking for the hot British twins.

Why This Saddens Me (after I laughed my ass off)

Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle is in my personal Comedy Hall of Fame. And my Hall of Fame is not like the Baseball Hall of Slightly Better than Average. My Hall of Fame has five members and not a Bert Blyleven among them. In chronological order:

Blazing Saddles
Caddyshack
Something About Mary
Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle.
40 Year Old Virgin

That's your Ty Cobb, Babe Ruth, Christy Mathewson, Honus Wagner and Walter Johnson of Movie Comedies.

You do not mess with the classics!!! I left a message with Martin Scorsese and is he going to be pissed.

Glory Days - Books I Writed - Part 3

2012-01-12T08:30:00.003-05:00

More books from the box.

Hightops Hijinks, 1985. The very first example of Chuck Taylor Sci Fi. They worked in the car wash by day; at night, they used their supersoakers to keep Terra safe from all those who would do her harm.

The Girl with the Memorable Birthmark, 1992. I really should sue. Socially awkward and misunderstood skinny chick fucks up the man. I was gonna set it in Sweden but got lazy and went with LA.

Which End Goes in First?, 1986. Seriously, my work in feminist Sci Fi is the stuff of legend.

How Did Benny Hill Get So Effing Funny?

2012-01-05T10:00:00.002-05:00

Another Post Courtesy of UK's Daily Mail - I kid Alfred Harmsworth, 1st Viscount Northcliffe a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

How did Benny Hill get so effing funny? Not bologna in his shoes. He just stole stuff from the Argos Catalog (probably catalogue on that side of the pond).

How many classic Benny Hill bits can you find on this single page of the 1976 catalog?

Here's some Boots Randolph to get you in the mood.

How many did you find? I found five.

1. The man on the stationary bike "accidently" increases the speed on the butt shaking machine, causing her boobies to jiggle. Then he "accidently" turns the dial to ridiculous speed and her bikini flys off.

2. An "erection" rises up from one of the guys on the rowing machines except it turns out to be a dumb bell. When the woman runs away, an "erection" rises up from the other rowing guy -- but he's looking at the man on the bike!

3. The guy with the chest pulling thing "accidently" lets go of one end launching it like an arrow. It hits a shapely, young bird right in the buttocks while she's bent over touching her toes. She slaps an innocent Jackie Wright in the face.

4. Macho man rips all the hair off his chest with that springy thing.

5. The couples with the ropes get tangled up so that whenever he pulls with his arms, her legs spread wide open revealing her camel toe or as the Brits say, her Jack the Ripper that's a krusty kipper.

How did you do?

Glory Days - Books I Writed - Part 2

2012-01-03T11:30:00.003-05:00

More books from the box.

Most Dangerous Pussy Alive, 1987 -- I was accused of ripping off the Conan series but come on, Derek was a feral wanderer NOT a barbarian.

Not Much of a Beach Day, 1984 -- Teenage romance on the shore. If only I had named my horny heroine Snooki, instead of Centropomi.

Teenage Stewardesses in Peril, 1990 -- Teenage! Stewardesses! Peril! Enough said, except I should mention the long forgotten Japanese soldiers!

Glory Days - Books I Writed - Part 1

2011-12-09T18:15:00.002-05:00

I found these in a box in my mom's attic. Before this blog, before National Lampoon, before Uncle Melon -- I used to be a real writer.

Starfleet Commanders Kick Ass, c. 1984 - This sold well but then I had to give all the money to Gene Roddenberry's estate.

Golf With Grandpa, 1991 -- The New York Times Book Review said, and I quote, "There's A River Runs Through It, Tuesdays with Morrie, and then there's this piece of..." Pretty high praise for yours truly. I didn't have to give any of the money back. It's still in an old pair of jeans.

My Penis Your Destination, 1992 - Arnold Schwartznegger was going to option it but then he didn't.

Alabama's Own Statue of Liberty

2011-10-10T12:30:00.000-04:00

Alabama has its own Statue of Liberty. It's in Birmingham. Not a gift from France but from the founder of the Liberty National Life Insurance Company -- which makes it better than the Yankee one. It's also better because it's smaller. You can take dramatic photos of it being dwarfed by the American flag. You can not do this with the Yankee statue unless you built a flagpole that was a mile long and took a photo from a helicopter.

Secret Agent Maxwell Smart, upon seeing the Birmingham statue said, "That's the second biggest Statue of Libery I've ever seen." And he was right.

Sadly, the Tea Party held a good old fashioned Statue Toppling and Book Burning yesterday.

The Daughters of the Confederacy provided refreshments. Presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann, the candidate with the highest rating with respect to immigration (NumbersUSA gave her an Excellent for "Oppose Amnesty" and a full KKK rating for "Hatred/Racist"), though she was busy curing Bill O'Reilly of his desire to kiss Rick Perry's ass and firing an automatic weapon into the air, was kind enough to give us a quote, "About darn time, I don't know who I hate more the Mexicans, the French or them New York, edumacated women that think they're better than me."

Here's the inscription from Alabama's Statue of Liberty.

Is Chris Christie Too Fat to be President?

2011-10-05T16:00:00.000-04:00

The pundits at Fox News are claiming that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is too fat to be President of the United States.

Can a really fat guy be President of the United States? I dunno, let's ask former President William Howard Taft...

Oh wait, he's too busy enjoying his retirement.

What' so terrible about a really fat guy being president? Bill O'Reilly says that Governor Christie is weak and lacking in discipline.

Governor Christie disagreed... until I offered him an Oreo cookie -- then he agreed to agree. For two Oreo cookies he fixed a couple of parking tickets and gave me a free helicopter ride. For a Mallomar, he said I could have his wife, Snooki and Joe Piscopo for a few hours while he ate dinner. Sadly, I did not have a Mallomar.

Fat and skinny had a race
Fat fell down and broke his face
Skinny basically reneged on every campaign promise and has turned out to be either the biggest, ineffectual pussy since Jimmy Carter or more conservative than Hillary Clinton and I can't believe all the time I wasted working for that lying skinny-ass douchebag.

In conclusion, is Chris Christie too fat to be president? No, but he is too much of a rightwing nutjob elitist scumbag that has fucked over every decent person in New Jersey that isn't a fucking multi-millionaire. And he still has two more years...

My Dick Discusses The Debt

2011-09-30T19:50:00.001-04:00

Today's guest blogger is a frequent contributor of insightful posts and unsightly stains, my dick.

Saturday night I tried to see Moneyball but it was sold out so I went to see The Debt. This made my dick very happy. While my dick likes Brad Pitt, it turns out that it really, really likes the redhead in The Debt, Jessica Chastain. Not only is she gorgeous and sexy and skilled in the martial arts-- she also kills Nazis which was a huge, unexpected turn on.

I wanted to be the guy that impregnates her then lies in bed with her naked for nine months feeding her my homemade rugulach (which is really easy to make in a food processor but really impresses hot Jewish chicks).

This movie takes place in Berlin in 1966 and Israeli in 1999. Young Rachel is played by Jessica the smoking hot redhead of my dreams. Old Rachel is played by Helen Mirren. This was easily understood. There was only one female Jew in Berlin in 1966 and she had a large, hideous scar on her right cheek. When Helen Mirren shows up with a large, hideous scar on her right cheek, my dick had no problem figuring out who she was. Unfortunately, my dick is not the smartest organ in my body despite the fact that I have often been been accused of thinking with it.

In 1966, there are two male Jews that want to capture a Nazi and bang the hot redhead of my dreams. One is a square-faced, pale-skinned, Irish looking Jew and the other guy is a long, thin-faced, swarthy looking Jew with thick black hair. Both handsome, both Jewish, but they couldn't look less alike. Polar opposites.

In 1999, there are two old male Jews that are interacting with Old Rachel. One is square-faced, pale-skinned and Irish looking and the other is... just guess, I'm not typing all that out again.

Except that they switched. Somehow, thirty years later the Irish guy went swarthy and the swarthy guy went pale. What the fuck!?!

Worst casting ever!!! Why would you painstakingly recreate Cold War Berlin then cast the exact wrong actors in the corresponding roles!?!

I thought that the loss of blood from my brain during all the gynecological scenes may have left me confused so I asked the guy next to me. He was just as befuddled. IMDB confirmed it.

Stupid movie. However, the next time I go to the Carnegie Deli I'm ordering a Rachel sandwich, hold the meat. I'll supply the pastrami, dankeschön.

Cut Off by a Lover of Jesus

2011-09-21T07:01:00.007-04:00

Warning! The following post is a rant. It contains lots of f-words and is not funny.

This morning I was cut-off by an asshole with a Jesus fish on his car. I'm not talking about a slight, sorry but I didn't see you cut-off. I'm talking about a narrowly escaped a five car pileup I had to slam on my brakes so hard that now I'm going to have to replace them six months earlier kind of cut off.

Where the fuck does a good Christian have to go so badly at 5:40 AM that he's willing to risk my life?

Because if Jesus was driving that fucking Toyota minivan on the New York State Thruway at 5 fucking 40 in the morning, I think he may have used his left hand turn signal and waited for an appropriate time to change lanes-- regardless of his urgency. But what do I know? I'm not a fucking Born Again Christian.

Just in case I missed the subtle Jesus Fish, Mr. Turn the Other Cheek While I Ram my Toyota Sienna Up Your Ass had a hot pink bumper sticker proclaiming his love for Jesus for all the world to see. Thanks a lot Dickhead! Now, I know who to hate.

I'm glad you love Jesus. You know what I love? I love masturbating.

But I don't slap a fucking bumper sticker on the back of my car so I can feel better than you.

Look, God knows that I rarely honored my mother and father, I often covet my neighbor's wife and I love to take the Lord's name in vain -- but you know what I don't do? I don't risk another person's life because I'm late for fucking church.

My First Wife, Sarah Silverman

2011-09-12T16:15:00.002-04:00

That's me and my first wife Sarah Silverman entertaining the neighbors and their kids.

I like to think that in an alternate universe I'm married to Sarah Silverman...

...and it's 1967.
...and she likes to pee on me.
...and we're thinking about swinging with the neighbor sitting all the way on the left.
...and in two years I'm going to buy season tickets at Shea Stadium.

Strangely, I look about as happy in my alternate universe as I do in my real universe...

...and my hair looks worse.

I stole this photo from Retropace. Go visit, there's lots of great stuff!

More Yankee Hate

2011-09-08T10:53:00.009-04:00

John Sterling the despicable, unlistenable, makes Phil Rizutto sound like Vince Scully-able, radio announcer for the Yankees makes these personalized homerun calls that suck.

Some examples:

Nick Swisher - He's swishilicious (kid you not)
Curtis Granderson - The Grandy Man can! THE Grandy Man can!

and the alltime worse...

Jason Giambi - The Giambino! This is proof that 1.) there is no God (because if there was, He would allow Babe Ruth to rise from his grave and rip John Sterling into a hundred little pieces) and that 2.) all Yankee fans are idiots.

So, the Yankees have this new guy whose even better than Joba Chamberlain (remember him?) and almost as fat, Jesus Montero.

Sterling needs to come up with a personalized home run call because the guy is going to hit 61 homeruns in September.

I sent Sterling a tweet and suggested:

"It is high, it is far, it is gone. Another homerun for Jesus! Christ, that sonofabitch can hit!"

He went with:

"Hey Zeus, is loose."

The Yankees suck on so many levels.

I've been a Yankee hater ever since they dissed Hank Greenberg. Here's some proof:
What Does Andy Pettitte Do Behind His Glove?
The George Steinbrenner Plaque is SO BIG...
Derek Cheater! So help me, Jeter
The Best George Steinbrenner Stories - A Tampa Bellhop Remembers The Boss
The Best George Steinbrenner Stories - It Happened in an Elevator
The Best George Steinbrenner Stories - Derek Jeter, Gulf Coast League Rookie
The Best George Steinbrenner Stories - Mickey Mantle, Billy Martin and a Cow
George Steinbrenner - May You Burn in Hell...
A-Rod the Centaur Part 2
Alex Rodriguez the Centaur
Derek Jesus Christ for MVP
Yankee Memorabilia for Sale
Our Baseball God is an Ironic God: Joba the Slut Pitches on Mother's Day

There's more but my mouse hand got tired.

CGI My Wife, Please

2011-08-18T11:01:00.007-04:00

Peter Jackson has Golem. James Cameron has his beloved Avatars. And now, Judd Apatow has his wife, Leslie Mann.

I just found out that Judd Apatow is filming a bunch of nude scenes with his wife -- only her naughty bits are all going to be CGI.

Makes for a funny Judd Apatow scene.

Judd Apatow looks over the shoulder of the CGI guy.

"Can you make them a little bigger... bigger... bigger... good.

Now the nipples, erect, more erect, more, now put those little bumps on them, more, more, more. What the heck? Let's put a pair of puffies on those bad girls.

Wow, sorry. You got a roll of paper towels?"

Wait, we can be funnier.

Judd Apatow looks over the CGI guy's shoulder.

"What have you got for me, Bobby?

Hmmm, can you deflate them both about 40%? No, give them some sag, make 'em really deflated. Good. Now, make the right nipple bigger and the left one shouldn't be so round. It looks more like a gorilla's nose,with dimples and kind of wrinkled. Give it a few coarse, black hairs. Excellent.

How about some freckles and a rash in the cleavage. Nice. Make the rash redder, redder, redder. Okay, almost there. Can we do sweat? Good. Put some sweat glistening underneath."

"Perfect."

"Now, does this thing have a nag button?"

Rise of the Beneath of the Planet of the Apes Part Two

2011-08-08T14:13:00.011-04:00

Caesar from Rise of the Planet of the Apes!!! You know, if I was a scientist like James Franco, and I was the stepfather of a super-intelligent ape, I would name him Gandhi.

It wouldn't make for much of a movie.

Frieda Pinto: "Hey Jim, what's Gandhi doing today?"
Me: "Oh, he's downtown sitting in the square not eating, again."
Frieda Pinto: "Great. If you're not busy this afternoon how about we have lots of great sex."
Me: "Okay."

Actually, my movie is sounding better and better.

Photoshop Notes (Just in case Hilary wants to use my ape photo) - Those are Gandhi's actual glasses stolen from wikipedia and cleaned up a little. And that's a baby bonobo. In the original Planet of the Apes, the gorillas were the army guys, the orangutangs were the Weasleys, the chimps were the scientists, and the bonobos were the hedge fund managers. For a free UncleMelon t-shirt, what were the gibbons?

More Wall Street Journal Humor - St. Patrick's Day, Leprechaums, But No Irish Jokes Please

2011-03-17T07:20:00.000-04:00

This is a repeat from March 17, 2010. I've got deadlines people.

Another Post Courtesy of the Wall Street Journal - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

The Wall Street Journal has a daily cartoon called Pepper and Salt that I really, really don't like. Apparently, rich Wall Street scumbags have their own unique form of humor that is not funny. Here's today's cartoon.

It's St. Patrick's Day! Every morning DJ, every local TV anchor, every a-hole at work is dusting off the Irish jokes and getting a laugh -- except the Wall Street Journal. You have to work really, really hard not to be funny with a setup involving two leprechauns and a gigantic mushroom, on St. Patrick's Day. We can never accuse the Wall Street Journal of not working hard.

Am I the only person that expects Fred and Wilma Leprehaun to walk out of that mushroom house? And do leprechauns live in mushrooms or do they just sit on them?

When you first read these cartoons you think, oh no, they're just like the cartoons in the New Yorker, I'm just too stupid to understand them. But after weeks of analysis, I've come to the conclusion that we're smart enough, they just suck, and they almost never have anything to do with business, or the right wing agenda of the Wall Street Journal.

This is the part of the post where I attempt to write funnier captions. Don't forget, this is a "business" comic for Wall Street Journal readers that is officially housed in the collections of the Harvard Business School Library assuring that future generations of MBA assholes will have no sense of humor. If you are the president of a major university and want to house a collection of my work, e-mail me.

And today's winner so far is:

As always, I will continue to add captions to this post all day until I think of something funny. You are invited to help but you won't because leaving a comment is too much damn effort, bitch. Note: There are a bunch of these cartoon rips so just scroll on down.

My Charlie Sheen Jesus Bit Stolen!!!

2011-03-09T12:57:00.003-05:00

This guy stole my Charlie Sheen Jesus bit!!!

Not just the image, which would be hard to bitch about since I "borrowed" the original photo, but the entire bit. The words, the words I thought up.

Of all the thousands of bits I've written, this shitty bit gets stolen.

Jesus, and I'm talking to all 5 of You, please make this guy's liver rot. Thanks in advance.

Charlie Sheen is Bigger than Jesus

2011-03-03T07:52:00.015-05:00

On Wednesday, Charlie Sheen joined twitter. One day later he has one million followers. Those are Jesus Christ numbers! If he keeps acting psychotic and hate-filled on camera, in a year he'll have 365 million followers (I used to be good at math in school). You know that the old white men in the Vatican are shaking in their boots or slippers or Nikes or whatever they wear.

According to Google, there are five Jesus Christs with twitter accounts. This is an amazingly small number. Why there are at least six guys at my job that think they are Jesus Christ and one of them is an accountant.

These Jesus Christs have two things is common. First, they are pretty lazy. I would expect at least a tweet a day from Jesus. How hard can it be to quote yourself? Hell, Pat Robertson tweets twenty times a day and he's only God's second cousin on His mother's side. Second, they are all trying very hard to be funny. Jesus is known for a lot of things -- but a sense of humor? Not the funniest guy at the seder table I'm sure.

Let's review the work of all the Jesus Christs in an effort to determine who is the real Jesus amongst them. Let me clarify, there are five Jesus Christs on Twitter in english. God blessed America for a reason. I'm not sifting through all the Jesus Christs on Twitter in Aramaic.

In Reverse Order of Googality

Jesus H. Christ has only 1,904 followers and only eight tweets total from back in April of 2007.
Best Tweet - Solved that Sudoku. In case you were wondering.

Rating - Poser

King of the Jews has 16,881 followers but is following 15,640! Not a good ratio for the Son of God. One of the people He's following is a 15 year old kid from Ireland that only tweets about Taylor Swift.
Best Tweet - Welcoming Ronnie James Dio with open arms, man was that guy surprised to see me.

Rating - Wannabe Jesus

Jesus Christ was propably first because he has the best name, Jesus Underscore Christ. I capitalized the underscore because above all I'm respectful. Unfortunately, He lists his home as Idaho and has only 8,806 followers.

Best Tweet - Jesus needs small indie girls to escort his reincarnation around Spokane.

Rating - Poser, but the next time I'm in Spokane, we gonna hang.

Jesus has 275,336 followers. Not Charlie Sheen numbers but not bad.

Best Tweet - I drive a Dodge Stratus.

Rating - Possible

Most popular according to google, Jesus M. Christ has 191,708 followers and is only following 40. But one of those 40 is Mr. Charlie Sheen.

And he's number 1 on Jesus' speed dial. Did I just hear the entire Vatican Council shudder? Jesus M. Christ is the funniest of all the Jesuses in a Jimmy Kimmel sort of way and seems to be in love with Blake Griffin of the Los Angeles Clippers. Jesus is supposed to love everyone so maybe I'm just reading something into this.

Best Tweet - The people of Sodom and Gomorrah think Charlie Sheen has been a bit over the top.

Rating - Possible

Being only half-Christian, I can't tell which of the possible Jesuses is the real Jesus. If you're better qualified post a comment or send me an e-mail. All hate mail should be sent here.

Conservatively, if you add the two best Jesuses together, you're only talking a half a day of work for the out-of-work Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen bigger than Jesus? Yes.

Piano Man - The Ballad of Big Ben Roethlisberger

2011-02-04T14:17:00.011-05:00

It's nine o'clock on a Saturday
The regular crowd shuffles in
There's a hot chick sitting next to me
Makin' love to her tonic and gin

She says, "Sir, can you stop staring at me
I'm not really sure who you are
But you're sad and you're dumb and don't seem like fun
And I could care less 'bout the cost of your car."

La la la, di da da
La la, di da da da dum

Chorus:
Make a great play, you're the quarterback
Make a great play tonight
And we'll all forget what a shit you are
Cause you've got us feelin' alright

Now John at the bar is a friend of mine
He slips roofies in their drinks for free
And he's quick with a lie or a solid alibi
When there's someplace you're not supposed to be

He says, "Ben, I believe you've gone too far."
As my fist crushed the nose on her face
"I'll bury her out back cuz you're an NFL star
You better get out of this place"

Oh, la la la, di da da
La la, di da da da dum

Now Paula's a real estate novelist
Who cares if she's somebody's wife
Sheila was with Davy, who served in the Navy
I did her while he protected my life

And the waitress is crying uncontrollably
As my victims all slowly get stoned
My bodyguards have to drag her into a stall
Because I can't fuck a bitch on my own

Chorus:
Make a great play, you're the quarterback
Make a great play tonight
And we'll all forget what a shit you are
Cause you've got us feelin' alright

It's a pretty good crowd for a Saturday
And the manager gives me a smile
'Cause he knows I get to stick one with my dick
For a grand he'll forget about it all in awhile

And her screams, they sound like a B-movie star's
And my cock it smells like a beer
And they sit at the bar and pretend they can't hear
And say, "Ben, did you gape that sweet rear?"

Oh, la la la, di da da
La la, di da da da dum

Chorus:
Make a great play, you're the quarterback
Make a great play tonight
And we'll all forget what a shit you are
Cause you've got us feelin' alright

You Guys Amuse and Frighten Me, and Sandra Bullock

2011-01-20T07:46:00.005-05:00

This is my Sandra Bullock fantasy so I'm going with the chola look. Feel free to replace it with the southern Republican housewife looking Sandra if that's what inflates your dinghy.

Last night, one of my loyal readers, lost in waves of lust and confusion, typed sandra bullock cock in her ass into google. Google, trying its best to help during a time of need, sent the lonely bastard to my blog where he found no relief and no Sandra Bullock participating in physical acts favored by Tony Curtis and Jimmy the Greek.

What kind of desperation causes a man to type that phrase into a search engine? What was he really hoping to find? America's Sweetheart has done a lot of dumb things in her life but getting filmed with a cock in her ass is not one of them.

But my loyal readers, I always aim to please and I make this promise to you. If I ever find myself and my cock in the unlikely position of entering into an agreement with Sandra Bullock's buttocks, I will borrow a good camera and I will get a photo and I will post it on this blog. I'll frame and light the shot correctly, adjust the aperture to maximize the depth of field and I will make sure Sandra Bullock is looking over her shoulder at me by yelling something appropriate in a hoarse, out of breath voice. Something like, "Sandra Bullock! Look at me you dirty chola, look at my penis boldly going where your poopies normally exit your body!"

Hours later, while Sandra Bullock's sweat mingles with my own, as her heartbeat echos through my six-pack abs, I will listen to Wagner's Ring Cycle, to drown out Ms. Bullock's whispers of gratitute and her endless stories about her precious kid.

More Sandra Bullock Stuff
Here's why google sends me one-handed Sandra fans.

My Dick Reviews the Blind Side
A Quick Note on Sandra Bullock's Buttocks
Sandra Bullock's New Boyfriend

The Last (I Promise) Story I'd Like to See in 2011 - Mel Gibson Rises From the Ashes

2011-01-14T09:17:00.003-05:00

Mel Gibson Better than Gefilte Fish

Mel Gibson is once again the darling of Hollywood when he releases his loving remake of Schindler's List on the Jewish holiday, Tisha B'av. Immediately nominated for 27 Golden Globes, Gibson's List is filmed entirely in Yiddish. Gibson, portraying the fictional character Oskar Gibson, is lauded for his performance -- including his spot on accent. Mel also plays the smaller, supporting roles of Moe and Curly Howard and Larry Fine.

Mike Greenberg of ESPN Radio's Mike and Mike in the Morning proclaims, "Better even than the second comings of Michael Vick and Tiger Woods, Mel Gibson has cemented his place at my sedar table. Abraham? Very, very, good. Moses? All star. Mel Gibson? Greatest human being ever to grace this or any other planet!!!"

Rabbi Mel Gibson saying the kiddush before going apeshit crazy.

Mel Gibson's resurrection is short lived. Invited to lead the evening service for Rosh Hashanah at the Beverly Hills Reformed Synagogue, Gibson begins frothing at the mouth and speaking in Aramaic. He then pulls from his pocket two scrolls. The first scroll contains a list of all the Jews in Australia. The second, much bigger scroll, contains a list of all the Jews in Hollywood. All the Jews are identified on maps using "surveyor's marks."

The year ends with the announcement that Mel's next project, due in theaters in 2012, will be Gibson on the Roof. Pre-screenings indicate that Mel Gibson will be holding a violin not an AK-47.

Stories I'd Like to See in 2011 - Part 3: Tiger Woods

2011-01-06T07:49:00.002-05:00

Tiger Woods Marries Selena Gomez

Days after Tiger Woods wins the 2011 Masters Tournament he shocks the world by marrying America's Sweetheart and Disney Goldmine, Selena Gomez. Mike Greenberg of ESPN's Mike and Mike in the Morning is brought to tears by the news declaring, "Never before in the history of western civilization has a greater man risen from the depths. I will now drink of Tiger's blood and eat of Tiger's body."

Days after remarrying, TIger Woods is caught cheating on his new bride when he accidently tweets the location and time of an illicit coupling to 430 million followers. TMZ breaks the story and the New York Post has a field day when Tiger's mistress turns out to be none other than Nadya Suleman, the notorious Octomom.

Octomom claims that Tiger Woods has been invading her spacious den at least twice a week since before his first marriage. More exciting news, she's currently pregnant and its a long par 3, Tiger triplets.

Will Selena Gomez stand by her man and save her marriage? Will Tiger Woods finally reveal that he is HIV positive? Will Octomom ever meet a nice guy on e-harmony? And finally, Mike Greenberg wants to know if all these unfortunate events will affect Tiger's chances to win the next major event on the PGA schedule, the U.S. Open held this year at the challenging Blue Course of the beautiful Congressional Country Club located in Bethesda, Maryland?

We can only hope.

Stories I'd Like to See in 2011 - Part 2: Deanna Favre

2011-01-05T08:59:00.001-05:00

Deanna Favre Forced to Work at Golf Course

Brett and Deanna Favre untie the knot in 2011 and now we finally know why Brett has always lived in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. It is NOT the pigshit. It's the divorce laws. Mississippi still has laws on the books from back when the founding fathers were writing with feathers. You remember our founding fathers, they were right-thinking Americans like George Washington of Virginia, John Adams of Massachusetts and Jesus Christ of Texas.

Turns out that in Mississippi negroes only count as 3/5 of a person and women count as even less (0.333 when voting for best pie at the county fair, just 0.128 during tax season). Poor Deanna will have to work to keep the family fed. Luckily, her Uncle Eustice is Assistant Groundskeeper at the Brettswood Country Club (duffers in the know call it smallish and not at all hard).

Can Deanna work long hours in the hot Mississippi sun and still look like a much older Jenn Sterger? Will Brett Favre get to cry on ESPN even if he is really retired? Will Brett, Deanna and Jenn all appear on Dancing With the Stars with different partners? Will Brett Favre get caught sexting all the partners? We can only hope.

Deanna Favre does not look happy. If I got paid to drive that bad boy, I'd have a smoked turkey leg in one hand, a Silver Bullet in the cup holder and a smile as big as the Mississippi delta.

Stories I'd Like to See in 2011 - Part 1: Sarah Palin

2011-01-04T11:14:00.014-05:00

2010 was a great year for comedy. The Palin brood, especially the bitches, were even more fun than Mama Pitbull. Brett Favre exposes himself all over the place, first showing off his massive ego, then giving us a glimpse of his meager penis. Can 2011 possibly live up to last year?

I think so. Here are my predictions for 2011.

Dick Cheney Accidentally Shoots Sarah Palin in the Face

After watching Sarah Palin take 16 shots to down a caribou that was chained to a stake, former Vice President Dick Cheney realizes that Sarah is his kind of hunter. He invites her to hunt with him at a private club in Dutchess County, New York. You remember the place. They keep the pheasants so fat they can barely stand, they clip their wings and then they put them in cages so that the executive hunters don't have to work too hard to get their kills.

Sarah shows up straight from a Fifth Avenue manicure with her nails still wet, a grumpy Dick Cheney has a few too many glasses of scotch while waiting, and then the former Vice President shoots Sarah Palin in the face, accidentally.

Will a horribly scarred and deformed Sarah be a more desirable candidate in 2012 or will a turned-off country look elsewhere for their masterbatory fantasies? Will Sarah have her bandages removed live on TV on Bravo, Spike or Fox News? Will an emotionally distraut Todd hook up with Christine O'Donnell and Lindsay Lohan, fail to rise to the occasion, but still send the video to his good buddy Joe the Plumber who will immediately sell it to deadspin.com for $27 and a carton of Lucky Strikes? We can only hope.

BTW, that's the second biggest flag pin I've ever seen.

A George W. Bush Christmas Carol

2011-01-03T10:56:00.001-05:00

This is a tradition around here. Yeah, this is the superior in everyway bit about Bush that got bumped by Maureen Dowd's lame Santa Claus bit ruining a Christmas when I was a contributing writer at National Lampoon. Sorry it's late.

The Beginning of It

Once upon a time, not just any time, but a special time, on Christmas Eve, George W. Bush was busy at his desk. Not really, he was busy on his couch watching football. His wife Laura was sitting with him. Laura was drinking a chocolate martini, and the combination of the increasing effects of the alcohol and the diminishing effects of the prescription drugs she took each night before she went to bed, emboldened her to speak without first being spoken to.

"George, it's Christmas Eve," Laura stated quietly.

Bush was quick to reply, "Fucking, yeah. Nothing like football and Jesus, reminds me of a Sunday."

Encouraged, Laura continued, "Isn't the tree beautiful?"

"Yeah, the servants did a great job."

"George, on Christmas, I sometimes think of those poor unfortunate Americans that are hungry or can't afford to buy presents for their children."

"Are there no prisons?" growled Bush.

Laura, startled, replied, "Yes, George."

And the Army, the Navy, the Air Force, and the Marines -- aren't they having trouble meeting their enlistment goals?"

"They are, George. I wish I could say that they weren't," replied a teary eyed Laura.

Bush thought he might have to hug her in a comforting manner, but luckily he came up with some consoling words instead, "Its okay, momma. Dick and Rummy will figure out a way to trick those fools into joining up."

"Oh, George, that's not what I meant," admitted Laura. "I just wish that this horrible war was over."

"Laura," Bush calmly asked while checking his watch, "Isn't it time for your happy pills? Go to bed before I Patriot Act your ass." Laura got up and headed for the bedroom, crying quietly.

Bush sat there and started thinking about the true meaning of Christmas. Maybe Christmas wasn't about how much money his friends could make off of the war or revamping social security so that the last penny could be squeezed out of those smelly, old people.

Bush looked at his dog, Miss Beasley, and said these words out loud, as if practicing, "Maybe this Christmas we should do something to help those less fortunate than ourselves."

The nature of this outburst caused Miss Beasley to run and hide under the sofa. The words, having been said out loud, continued on their journey up through the chimney and out into the beyond, where they were heard by greater powers than a little black Scottish Terrier named after the doll once owned by a little blonde girl that eventually died of a heroin overdose after her lame television show tanked.

The Ghost of Bill O'Reilly

President Bush had looked at the knocker on the door to his bedroom countless times for it was exactly at eye level. It had a big, cool looking eagle that held the knocker part in its scary talons. As Bush went to open the door, what he saw was not the knocker but the face of Bill O'Reilly, conservative pundit and the host of The O'Reilly Factor on FOX News.

O'Reilly's face did not speak or move but just stared directly into the president's eyes. If there was one thing that upset George W. Bush, it was when someone stared him directly in the eyes. He immediately looked down at his feet -- a response he had developed at an early age. When he looked up, the face was gone and the knocker had reappeared.

"Humbug," muttered Bush. "I'm acting like a giddy, democratic school girl."

Bush locked the heavy door behind him and looked around the room. Everything was normal yet something felt wrong. Laura was asleep on her side of the big bed. Her meds lined up neatly on her night table. His pajamas were laid out on his side of the bed in putting on order. Bush quickly undressed, dressed and slipped under the covers.

He was only in bed a second when the ghostly apparition of Bill O'Reilly passed through the door. O'Reilly was draped in heavy chains that caused his face to contort during the minor exertion of breathing.

"Laura!" yelled George.

"The Xanax Queen will not help you, Mr. President," the ghost said quietly.

"Who are you and what do you want with me?" asked Bush.

"Better to ask who I was," quipped O'Reilly.

"Are you not my dear friend and conservative pundit, Bill O'Reilly?" said Bush.

"I was Bill O'Reilly. I was murdered today by the husband of the assistant I've been diddling," replied O’Reilly.

"I hate when that happens," joked the president.

O'Reilly responded with the required chuckle, "That's a good one, Sir."

"So, O'Reilly, how come you're not up in heaven? Why are you down here scaring the beegesus out of me?" asked Bush.

O'Reilly answered, "I am doomed to wander the earth in this horrible state. No rest, no in, no peace. Incessant torture of remorse -- and that's a lot worse than anything Lyndie England could ever dish out. Woe is me! And woe to you!"

Bush defended himself, "Hey, Billy Graham says I'm going to heaven!"

Agitated, O'Reilly lifted up his arms rattling the heavy chains. "I have it on pretty good authority that Reverend Billy is wrong about that. Trust me, I'm dead. I know these things. You better make a few changes, Mr. President."

"Changes? Don't forget who you are talking to O'Reilly," Bush said. "Hey, what's with the chains?"

"I wear the chains I forged in life," replied O'Reilly.

Bush looked confused, so O'Reilly tried to help, "Sorry Mr. President, 'forged' just means to make something, especially if it's out of metal. These chains are composed of the hypocritical bullshit I spouted in life. They are heavy, Sir, but your chains, Mr. President, they are going to be really, really heavy."

Bush was visibly shocked, "Is there no hope? Speak comfort to me, O'Reilly!"

O'Reilly screamed like a banshee from the old country, "No comfort for you but a glimmer of hope. My time here is short. I have a lot of wandering to do down in Texas. You will be visited by three spirits. Think about what they say and what they show you."

"I'd rather not. I really need my twelve hours of sleep or I'm a grouchy Gus," said Bush.

O'Reilly screamed again, this time like a poor, black woman getting a backroom abortion, "This is your glimmer of hope, Mr. President!" The transparent spectre then turned and floated away. Before leaving, O'Reilly leaned over to fondle Bush's unconscious wife.

"Sorry Sir, some habits are hard to break," were his last words before he left the room, not by the door, but by passing through the wall.

Bush pulled the covers over his head, "Humbug, that's what comes from too many scotches and not enough pretzels." He was asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

The First of the Three Spirits

When the digital clock on the nightstand turned to 1:00 AM, the hand of the unearthly visitor grabbed the comforter hiding the president and ripped it from his grasp. Bush awoke to a strange vision -- a face childlike in its softness yet lined like an old man. It was his Chief of Staff, Karl Rove.

Bush was perturbed, "Rove, how many times have I told you? Unless it’s the Second Coming of Christ Himself, it can wait until morning! Oh, are you the first of my three spirits? Are you dead too?"

Rove smiled kindly, "Mr. President, I am your first spectral visitor but I am not dead. When I sold my soul back in the early seventies, I was forced to wander as a spirit from midnight to dawn when called by my master. Tonight, I am the Ghost of Christmas Past."

"I'm starting to wish I hadn't fallen asleep every year during the Mr. Magoo Christmas Special," complained Bush.

"Let's go Mr. President, we have a full agenda. Rise and walk with me," Rove took Bush by the hand and after a couple of steps, they were in a scene of winter beauty.

"I was born here!" exclaimed Bush. "This is New Haven."

"Walk this way," Rove said, "and no talcum powder jokes, please, Mr. President."

"Huh?" said Bush.

They walked through an old ivy covered building into a large room where a very drunk, cardigan-wearing, twenty-something Bush was receiving head from a comely high school girl. As she attended to his needs, Bush was puffing on a cigar and drinking Remy-Martin straight from the bottle.

"Damn, that's Angelina DeCarlo, she could suck your kidneys right out your peehole. I really loved her but Mother didn't approve. She was Italian, you know," reminisced Bush.

"Do you know why you are all alone this night?" asked the spirit.

"Everyone else was studying or writing papers. They never understood. Going to Yale isn't about learning stuff, it's about networking and making life long connections you can exploit in the future," Bush responded.

Rove nodded and said, "Come, we have other destinations."

Two steps later they are in rice patty waist deep in muddy water. It looked like a mine had just gone off and several American G.I.'s are scattered about, bleeding and moaning.

"God damn, Charlie!" yelled Bush. "I wish I could have been killing gooks. I know I would have been real good at it, but Mother wouldn't let me. She said I had more important work to do."

The pair took two more steps and were in a beautiful ballroom decorated for Christmas. A younger Bush was getting head from a dolled up debutante. The table in front of the future president was scattered with empty champagne bottles, ashtrays and half-filled glasses.

The younger Bush stood up and in a too loud voice said, "Let's get rid of these dead soldiers! I've got a hankering to drop a full payload on old Hanoi!" His sweeping arm cleared the table sending bottles and glasses flying to the floor. The woman got up on the table and with a glassy eyed stare lifted up her skirt.

"Ala-fucking-bama!" the older Bush's face lit up. "Can't say I remember that snatch's name. Probably never knew it, eh, Karl?" Bush gave the ghost a chummy elbow to the ribs.

Rove responded with the required chuckle, "That's a good one, Sir. We have one more stop."

"Can't I watch me hose that bitch?" asked Bush.

"Sorry Sir," apologized Rove. "We have to go."

Two more steps and they were in a small office in downtown Austin. "Bush for Congressman" signs adorned the walls. A younger Bush was sitting at a desk getting head from a pretty, campaign worker. Several lines of coke were laid out on a small area of the desk that had been cleared of papers. There was a loud knock then a young Karl Rove escorted Laura Bush into the office.

An excited Bush exclaimed, "Hey, that’s you, Rove!"

"And that's your future wife, Mr. President," replied the ghostly Rove.

The young Bush looked at the young Rove with an unimpressed expression, "Is that the best you can do, Rove? I'm gonna stick with Suzie here. You can have that butterface. Grab a line and a chair."

The young Rove introduced his companion, "Mr. Bush, I would like to introduce you to the future Mrs. Bush. This is Laura Welch."

A shit-eating grin appeared on the young Bush's face, "Well ain't this awkward!" Suzie lifted her head to get a look at the fiancé, but the young Bush pushed her head back down. "No need to stop that Suzie. I'm almost done. It's very nice to meet you, Miss Welch."

Laura reached out to the extended hand and gave it a shake. "It's very nice to meet you. Mr. Bush. I've heard all kinds of good things about you. I think I'm going to have a drink, if you don't mind, and maybe a line or two."

The spectral Rove grabbed Bush and they stepped out of the scene back into the White House bedroom.

"I should have married that Suzie," Bush complained. "She knew how to party and she was skinny as a filly. You and Mother made me marry Laura." He looked at his snoring wife with disgust.

"Have you learned nothing from my visit!" wailed Rove, "If you had married Suzie or Angelina or any of the dozens of whores you fucked over the years you would not be president today!"

The shear force of the ghost's voice sent Bush back to his bed and under his covers.

"I know you hate thinking," Rove said in a controlled voice as he floated through the wall, "But please Mr. President, please try to think a little about what you have just seen and what you will see with your next visitors."

Bush, still trembling, closed his eyes and fell asleep.

The Second of the Three Visitors

Bush awoke to a prodigiously loud snore from Laura. He looked around nervously. He was determined to be ready for his next visitor. No surprises this time.

"Georgie, Georgie, Georgie!" Bush turned his head and there before him, slightly transparent, was the Great Communicator himself, President Ronald Wilson Reagan.

"Mr. President, I'm so happy to see you!" exclaimed Bush. "You look great!"

"Well... no thanks to you!" replied Reagan. "What's with this stem cell research ain't in the bible so I'm not going to fund it crap, Georgie?"

Bush fell to his knees cowering before his hero, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. It was bad advice from disreputable sources. I'll get that funding started immediately and I'll fire a couple dozen of those 'holier than thou' neo-cons first thing in the morning."

"Georgie," said Reagan. "Calm down I was only kidding. Well... you got to do what you got to do to keep this great republic of ours republican. Don't listen to my wife and son. I never did. Well... get on your feet. There's no reason to be afraid of me. I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present. I'm the jolly, happy guy that's supposed to remind you of a half-drunk Santa or maybe the Roman god of wine. Take my hand we have places to see."

Reagan and Bush took two steps and were in a homeless shelter in New Orleans. Reagan turned to Bush. "Well... hmmm, I don't remember why we're here. Do you know why, Georgie?"

"No, Sir,” said Bush.

"Well..." Reagan said, "Let's try the next place." He took Bush's hand and stepped into the beautiful living room of a Bel Air mansion. The huge room was all decked out in Christmas decorations. A large oil painting of Ron and Nancy Reagan was displayed over the fireplace.

"Gosh darn it. Why are we at your house?" said Bush. He was starting to lose his patience.

"Well..." said Reagan, "There's no call for that kind of language young man. Look how nice our tree is this year. Well... I think we're done."

The pair stepped out of the mansion back to the presidential residence. "Well..."a confused Reagan continued, "You know the story, ahhh, rich people and poor people all like Christmas. Well..."

Bush interrupted by shaking Reagan's hand, "Thanks a lot, Sir. I've certainly learned my lesson. Thanks for coming. Get home safe." Bush climbed back into his bed and closed his eyes.

"Well... I'll be going then..." and with those words, the ghost of President Reagan disappeared.

The Last of the Spirits

The final phantom, shrouded in a dark cloak, approached the bed. The hood of the cloak left the face, if there was a face, in shadowy darkness. The only visible part of the ghost was its skeletal hand.

Bush fell to the floor -- again. He thought he heard the phantom mutter, "fucking idiot," but that was probably his imagination.

"Are you the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come?" said Bush.

The phantom lowered its skeletal hand, pulled out a Blackberry and checked it for text messages.

"What you are about to show me, are they things as they must be or are they things that might be given current conditions," Bush proceeded, "I mean are these the shadows of the things that will be, or are they shadows of things that may be, or are they things that might be if I don't... Oh, forget it. Now, I've given myself a headache."

The phantom slowly put away its Blackberry and bopped Bush on the head.

"Hey, that looks just like one of those video game things that Dick Cheney is always playing with," said Bush.

The phantom bopped Bush on the head again and gestured that it was time to leave.

"Ghost of the Future!" Bush exclaimed. "I fear you more than any spectre I have seen. But I know you mean to do me some good, and as I hope to live to be a better man from what I was, I am prepared to go with a thankful heart. Will you not speak to me?"

The phantom said nothing, although Bush thought for sure that he once again heard most faintly the words, "fucking idiot." The phantom grabbed Bush's shoulder and walked him into the first scene.

It was the comfortable, downstairs living room in the old ranch in Crawford. A blonde woman was crying hysterically while an older Karl Rove tried to console her. Rove seemed to give up and retired to the big, red chair by the fire favored by Bush's mother.

The hysterical woman's crying turned to yelling, "How did I lose! You said I would win. I was supposed to win. It was my turn!”

Bush called out in recognition, "That's my Jenna! Jenna come here. Let Daddy give you a hug." Bush stepped forward and tried to hug his daughter but his arms went right through her body as if she was an image from a slide projector.

The old Rove spat, "It was your father, Jenna. You know that. He ruined it for everyone. All is lost. Everything I've done these last 50 years is for nothing. President Al Franken! I think I'm going to be sick."

"I hate him! I hate him! I hate him! I have no father! It was supposed to be my turn!" screamed Jenna.

"Come here little one," Rove said, "Come to Uncle Karl."

Jenna ran to Rove and gave him a hug but her sobbing would not stop. The phantom guided Bush a few more steps to the left and they found themselves in a poorly kept cemetery.

"This is not my family's cemetery!" declared Bush. "This is an unworthy place, it's so small, all overgrown and so close to busy streets. I can not be buried here."

The phantom raised its arm and pointed to a large, simple stone in the back corner.

"No! That is not my monument," said Bush, "It is too plain for a Bush. It is in the wrong cemetery. It will not contain my name. You are wrong, Spirit."

Bush ran to the site of the untidy grave. Using the light from the flashing traffic light at the nearby intersection, he read the words engraved on the stone.

George W. Bush
Born: July 6, 1946

Died: December 24, 2012

LIBERAL

"No, Spirit! Oh no, no!" Bush fell prostate on the grave and cried like a Mexican mother burying her first born after a failed border crossing.

The End of It

Bush looked up from his crying. He was in his bed! In his bedroom! In his White House! He looked over his shoulder. No sign of spirits and sunlight was filtering through the drawn curtains.
He ran to the window, opened it and stuck out his head. It was a clear, crisp winter morning. The sun was shining and the air smelled glorious.

“What day is today?” cried Bush, calling downward to young woman that was loitering by the gate protesting something.

“Huh?” said the woman, lowering her sign.

“What is today, you East Coast, left-wing, pinko, terrorist-loving, baby-killer?” said Bush.

“Today?” replied the young woman. “It’s Christmas Day, you dumb, rightwing, facist, war-mongering, baby-killer!”

“It’s Christmas Day!” said Bush to his unconscious wife. “I haven’t missed it! The spirits have done it all in one night.” He stuck his head out the window and yelled down to the helpful woman, “Get a job you dumb cunt!”

Bush looked at the digital clock, 8:00 AM. It was way too early to get up. So, he went back to sleep for a few hours.

In the Vice President’s office in the west wing of the White House, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld and Karl Rove were relaxing after a hard night’s work. Each had a cigar and a glass of single malt scotch.

Dick Cheney, still wearing his Ghost of Christmas Future costume, lead the boys in a toast, “To another year!”

Glasses were emptied and refilled by Karl Rove. He pointed to the slide projector, “I think we’re going to have to update that power point presentation. It’s getting harder every year to scare him straight.”

“No fucking way. We’re just getting older, Rove, “ said Cheney.

”When you started checking your Blackberry right in the middle, Dick, I almost wet myself” said Don Rumsfeld. There was a Ron Reagan mask resting on his knee.

“What a fucking idiot he is, “ responded Cheney, “Your Reagan gets better every year, Rummy. Maybe next Halloween we should fly out to LA and scare the crap out of Nancy and that fag son of theirs. Maybe they’d both have strokes and we can be done with them”

“How about another toast?” suggested Rove.

“God Bless Us, Every One!”

Turns out I just couldn't draw George W. Bush or Laura worth a damn when I was writing this bit. I have drawn them okay before, here's proof. I like the O'Reilly, Rove and Cheney.

A Very Special Sarah Palin Alaska Christmas

2010-12-17T07:37:00.009-05:00

Re-wrapped, re-gifted, repeat, from deep within the archives, for your Christmas comedy enjoyment, Sarah Palin and a kid kill stuff.

Special Sarah Palin Alaska Christmas Edition - Sarah Palin, determined to put the Christ back in Christmas, kills reindeer.

Sarah Palin spending quality time with a boy
that looks cold. Christians in Alaska enjoy a Christmas
that is a little bit better than us regular folks.

Sarah Palin putting the Christ back in Christmas!
Probably not really a reindeer but close enough
for this New Yorker. Can you be more funny? e-mail us

Jesse Gonder of Little Rock, AR submits this frightening
Fotoshop Funny. When you think about it,
Santa is a socialist!!! Can't Sarah see the North
Pole from her front step? Has she alerted the
Alaska Air National Guard? Sarah Palin weak on socialists?
I don't think so!

VinceDontNoNuthin29 of Jacksonville FL went with a surefire
moose mention and some down home g-droppin'.
I may know nuthin' about no huntin' but that ain't no
moose. Elk, maybe, reindeer, could be, caribou,
probably, but sure as shootin' ain't no Bullwinkle.

From jcMartin9, whereabouts unknown. Violence against
a journalist can never be tolerated, unless we're
talking an elitist, Washington insider at CNN. The only
thing Sarah Palin hates more than that Jesus-bashing Santa Claus
is the mainstream media.

Ouch! Claude E. Lockwood 's vicious punch to the gut
left me gasping for air. Only complaint, too many
words. But funny is funny!

A Charlie Brown Christmas or Linus is a Teabagger

2010-12-10T11:14:00.007-05:00

I saw this old ad on dougsploitation blog and I got to thinking. Wasn't the whole point of the Charlie Brown Christmas special that Christmas had gotten too crassly commerical? Look at Snoopy's doghouse! Can't get crasser than that; Coca Cola and Kellogg's, the Breakfast of Champions. Schulz sold out so fast that they couldn't even wait to find a Kelloggs logo that fit the drawing.

I'm one of the few people that didn't like this TV show. It was way too religious for me. Linus sent a cold shiver down my spine. What kind of kid memorizes the entire second chapter of the Gospel of Luke then recites it at a party?

I'll tell you what kind. A right-wing religious nutjob kind of kid. Don't be fooled by his mellow, thumbsucking ways. Sure he used to lisp quietly and carry a big blanket, but those kind of kids sometimes turn into the ugliest kind of adults.

Teabaggers!

And not the good, horny, gay kind of teabagger, the bad hate-filled, Jesus-loving, racist kind of teabagger.

Now visit dougsploitation. It is a very cool site.

Even More ESPN Humor - Instant Karma's Gonna Get You

2010-12-03T14:32:00.005-05:00

ESPN.com has a regular cartoon strip called "Girls & Sports" that is never funny. You think the title of the strip sucks? Wait until you get to the punchlines.

Here's today's cartoon:

lol? Didn't think so.

Here's the part where I try to be funnier. Remember, we have established earlier in the week that this guy is a poorly drawn Ben Roethlisberger.

Okay, here we go:

Nah, I'm only kidding. Making fun of ugly chicks can never be a bad thing. Here's the real cartoon:

Thank you , New Jersey! And good night!

More ESPN Humor: Girls and Sports - No Ugly Chicks Allowed

2010-12-02T10:16:00.008-05:00

ESPN.com has a regular cartoon strip called "Girls & Sports" that is never funny. You think the title of the strip sucks? Wait until you get to the punchlines.

Here's today's cartoon:

Awful girl? Is that how guys at ESPN talk?

I haven't been reading this stuff for long so I have no idea who the hell Marshall and Harris are. Maybe they're richer than Bill Gates or nicer than Mother Theresa, but, if they are just loser, douchebag posers that sit home every night watching Sportscenter, then they should be thanking their Personal Savior Jesus Christ like Kurt Warner after a win.

Look at the rack on Jessie! That dwarf Harris could get lost in them thar hills.

Here's the part where I try to be funnier:

Wait just one minute, Bob! That's you. You're always in italics and dark blue.

Wait just one minute, Bob! Give and go is a sports reference. Therefore, the strip qualifies as Girls & Sports.

Did you fail to notice that I cleverly replaced "a lot in common" with "both Packer fans?"

Girl?

Check.

Sports?

Check.

Funny?

Check.

ESPN Humor: Girls & Sports - Dating Do's and Don't's

2010-12-01T09:40:00.008-05:00

ESPN.com has a regular cartoon strip called "Girls & Sports" that is never funny. Even the title of the strip sucks. I've got a meeting with the suits up in Bristol next week where I'm going to pitch a comic called "Girls, Sports, Beer & Video Games."

Here's today's cartoon:

Wow, that is so bad that even Derek Anderson wouldn't laugh at it. (Yeah, I'm kissing some serious ESPN ass but forgive me, I really need a paying gig.) You draw a beefy guy wearing Big Ben's number 7, and the guy has a death grip on the wrist of a hot little chick, and that's all you got?

Here's my shot at being funnier:

I could, go, all, the, way!!!

With little cartoon Joann and with this bit. Expect more, it's way too easy. And if you are from ESPN, instead of threatening to sue me, let's talk about ways to put funny into your humor.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-25T07:07:00.000-05:00

Prithee! Yon savages aim to plow my virgin
ground with their native arrows.

Give thanks to the Lord on this day!

More Art Appreciation at CircusAfterDark.com

More Wall Street Journal Humor: Classic Slob on the Couch Bit

2010-11-24T08:10:00.002-05:00

Another Post Courtesy of the Wall Street Journal - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

The Wall Street Journal has a daily cartoon called Pepper... and Salt that I really, really don't like. Apparently, rich Wall Street scumbags have their own unique form of humor that is not funny. Here's today's cartoon.

Not funny and written for shit. Why did the guy write "we?" Are the two women talking to us, the Wall Street Journal readers? If the straight-haired woman is talking to the curly-haired woman, it should be "I'm waiting..." It's supposed to be funny because a disgusting nobody can't possibly do anything worthy of human drama. Does anybody at the Wall Street Journal watch television? Reality shows are human drama performed by disgusting nobodies.

I have to admit that it's a pretty good drawing but I would have taken the time to erase all those errant pencil marks. I believe that an artist should have some respect for his work, especially if he's getting paid. Also, he forgot to finish drawing the guys arms and those picture frames. Lazy.

When you first read these cartoons you think, oh no, they're just like the cartoons in the New Yorker, I'm just too stupid to understand them. But after months of analysis, I've come to the conclusion that we're smart enough, they just suck, and they almost never have anything to do with business, or the right wing agenda of the Wall Street Journal.

This is the part of the post where I attempt to write funnier captions. Don't forget, this is a "business" comic for Wall Street Journal readers that is officially housed in the collections of the Harvard Business School Library assuring that future generations of MBA assholes will have no sense of humor. If you are the president of a major university and want to house a collection of my work, e-mail me, we'll talk.

As always, I will continue to add captions to this post all day until I think of something funny. You are invited to help but you won't because leaving a comment is too much damn effort, bitch.

Bristol Palin's Heaving Breasts and More Snarky Comments

2010-11-23T10:59:00.009-05:00

Because this blog has turned into GetYourselfOffUsingBristolPalinPhotos.com, more of the Dancing Queen (not the gay guy, Bristol).

Random Rude Remarks with photos from last night's performance on DWTS.

There is no truth to the rumor that Bristol Palin made it to the finals by eating the other contestants. (FYI, those are her heaving breasts)

Finally, Bristol has flattering prom photos where she doesn't look 6 months pregnant.

Her partner tried to explain to her that musical chairs was not a style of dance popular in pre-war Berlin, but Bristol always knows better.

And now a cheap shot at her mother, Sarah Palin. This is Sarah Palin's actual prom photo.

I have to admit that I'm pretty disappointed. Sarah is not all that. She looks like the chubby wannabe loser in Saturday Night Fever that John Travolta boinks in the backseat and then dumps off the Verrazano Bridge. Believe me, Sarah would not win any beauty pageants in Brooklyn. And that cheap date didn't even buy her a corsage. No wonder she ended up with Todd.

This concludes today's Bristol Palin update. Thanks for coming.

More Bristol Palin

Bristol Palin's Camel Toe - what happens when too tight pants meet too large labia majora.
Bristol Palin's Camel Toes - see above only plural.
Bristol Palin in a Monkey Suit - see above only furrier.
Friday Fotoshop Funnies: Bristol Palin Shakes her ... - ass.
Bristol Palin or Rare Pink Hippo? - you decide.
Bristol Palin, Modest or Sexy? - rare photo of Bristol after she's been ridden hard and put away wet.
I Wouldn't Fuck Bristol Palin with Ann Coulter's Dick! - Bristol goes to a tea party wearing $13,000 earrings.

Black Man Punches Serial Sex Offender Gets Fined $25,000

2010-11-23T08:13:00.002-05:00

Richard Seymore of the Oakland Raiders punches the white O.J. Simpson, rapist Ben Roethlisberger.

Bristol Palin's Camel Toe

2010-11-18T07:55:00.001-05:00

Bristol Palin's Camel Toe (or cameltoe if you live in Kentucky), what's all the ruckus? As you can clearly see from this screen capture, I've been getting a ton* of visitors looking for Bristol Palin camel toe. The only Bristol Palin bodyparts that are getting more attention are Bristol Palin legs and Bristol Palin breasts.

Why are masses of horny, one-handed surfers landing on my beach? Google. I'm number 3 for Bristol Palin camel toe. Yeah, my mom is proud.

While I have her legs displayed prominently in various posts so I can make fun of them, and her breasts (completely obscured by clothing) have been known to hang around here, there have not been any camel toes belonging to Bristol Palin on this blog, until now. I always aim to please my anonymous, dick-holding fans. This toe is for you!

Here she comes, walking down the street.

In too tight pants, licking a frozen treat. Hey, hey its Bristol Palin.

Come closer, Bristol. Closer. Pay no attention to the camera I have duct taped to my shoe.

Got it. Time to zoom in.

Sweet merciful crap, that's a beautiful camel toe. Are you sure that you wouldn't rather have a nice photo of Britol Palin's beer gut? I'm going to have to use photoshop to enhance the toe. It's there, it's just hard to see. Give me a few minutes.

Yummy.

I'd rather have the frozen yogurt. What is it with you guys and your camel toes? Breasts, I understand. Legs, I like the legs. A juicy, bouncy butt rippling and jiggling with every move that she makes. Duh. A cute face, a beautiful face, nice shiny hair? Yes. Yes. Yes. Even a big sloppy, puffy vag stuck in my face, I can get with that program. But a camel toe - the slight indication that a woman may have an orifice concealed under clothing that we all know she has. It don't yank my chain.

*Ton is relative. Maybe a kilo of visitors would be more accurate.

Bristol Palin's Camel Toes - An Update

2010-11-18T07:30:00.000-05:00

Now we know why Bristol dances like shit.

Seriously, her mother should shoot a camel and make slippers out of those bad boys. They look warm and snuggly.

Does anyone know why camel feet have that weird hole in the front?

Big thanks to regular contributor William Safire for suggesting this update in his comments!

Michael Vick is a Video Game

2010-11-17T08:24:00.014-05:00

The Pit: The Michael Vick Dogfighting Video Game
by Circus After Dark Productions
Platform: Xbox Rated: Mature
☆☆☆☆☆ (32 customer reviews)
----------------------------

Price: $39.99

399 new from $9.89 8 used from $2.99

In stock.
Processing takes an additional 4 to 5 days for orders from this seller.
Ships from and sold by Circus After Dark Productions.

Product Features

Take a young, agressive prospect through the keep all the way to The Show.
Start out as a junior handler, shit shoveller, bucket boy, NFL quarterback, enforcer or getaway driver.
Need to get rid of puppies that are too nice? Drown 'em, strangle 'em, break their necks, skin 'em, you decide!
Play by Cajun Rules or make up your own damn rules.
Test your dog's gameness with 12 different bait animals including rabbits, kittens, poodles, and the ever popular Mexican Hairless.

Product Description

Dogfighting, we've all dreamed it but do you have what it takes to join the ranks of the cruel, ruthless dogmen? Heartless enough to turn a lovable scamp into a cold-blooded Grand Champion? Find out, order The Pit: The Michael Vick Dogfighting Video Game today!

Celebrity Reviews

"Not since Jesus of Nazareth has a better, more deserving man risen from the ashes! Michael Vick is the greatest man ever, until Tiger Woods wins another major. I love him and want to bear his children and wipe his ass with my tongue." Mike Greenberg, Mike and Mike in the Morning, ESPN Radio.

Disney Week: And Disney Created Woman...

2010-11-16T09:22:00.016-05:00

I'm ending Disney Week with a regurgitation of a favorite bit updated for 2010.

Disney World has a major problem. Mother nature and her darned DNA can't make a woman that lives up to the standards created by the horny artists locked up in those Disney Studios. While standing in long lines in the hot sun, I expect the type of eye candy ol' Walt used to put up in Cinemascope. Instead I get this...

Ariel, The Little Mermaid

Ahhh, there is nothing like a sweet, innocent, half-fish, half-gorgeous teen, with beautiful C-shells. (For the purposes of this discussion lets assume she's at least 18. She got married in the movie and it didn't look like Arkansas.)

Okay, so the woman (I can't bring myself to say "actress") portraying Ariel is attractive but compared to the cartoon version she looks like yesterday's bait! Look at Ariel's body! What red-blooded American male wouldn't want to filet that tuna!

Belle

Poor, bookish Belle, alone in a spooky mansion with a beast that lisps like that half-a-fag Robbie Benson. Her only friends? A candle and a bunch of other household crap. God, she must have wanted to crush that loud-mouth teapot into a whole family of Chips.

Whoa, look at the mug on the human Belle. What rodent did she sleep with to get the job? What rodent did her mom sleep with to get that kid?

Jasmine

Jasmine, in a perpetual tie with Pocahontas for sexiest, non-white Disney babe, she's fallen a bit from grace what with Aladdin sitting in Guantanamo and her magic carpet perpetually grounded because her name keeps getting put on Homeland Security's "No Fly List."

Again, I'm sure the human Jasmine is cute when she dresses up as Chip 'n/or Dale but she doesn't even look Arabic (OK, that might a been what the suits in Orlando were going for). Look at the cartoon Jasmine! A 10-inch waist, a nice full B-cup, and more curves than the Saudi peninsula. Ya never had a friend like me, baby!

Aurora, Sleeping Beauty

I've never seen the movie Sleeping Beauty (at one point growing up I was a boy). I'm sure the story is very nice, involves her mother being dead and includes some lesbian-overtones with furry, little woodland creatures.

I think the human Aurora's been snoozing, after filling up with ribs at the Piglet cookout. They needed the leftover material from Jasmine's pants for that dress! The "real" Aurora looks more like a Barbie doll than a Barbie doll. Can a woman have a waist smaller than 10 inches? Where does she put her important stuff, like her stomache, intestines and gall bladder?

Cinderella

Ah, Cinderella, everyone's dream girl, always on her knees in front of her evil stepsisters, spending hours taking care of their wood floors. Scrubbing, scrubbing, scrubbing, until they're both satisfied with her handiwork. Oh my, where was I? Oh yeah, blogging.

Now this Cinderella is cute in a girl-next-door-to-the-grain-elevator-you-can-get-drunk-with-some-Jack-and-Kool-Aid-and-cop-a-feel-kind-of-way. The real Cinderella looks more like a Barbie doll than Sleeping Beauty, 'cept she has that collar on. I like that collar. Where's my leash and my chew toy?

Jane, from Tarzan

Jane is hard to talk about 'cause I keep thinking of that big headed woman who did her voice, who women think is good-lookin' but we all know really isn't (except for Matt Damon but he was supposed to be an idiot savant Mic in that movie and can't really be taken seriously). She's kind of like Meryl Streep or maybe more like Glenn Close, I mean come on I would have been more likely to do John Lithgow than Glenn in that movie and she was wearing an old school nurse uniform which usually does the trick for me.

Let's just focus on the necks. The human Jane is cute, but cartoon Jane's neck is so thin you could wrap your thumb and forefinger around it -- twice. Why is that HOT!?! And while we're talking about necks that look like the stick in a Tootsie Blow Pop, what did Jane Jetson see in George?

Pocahontas

This was almost a tie! Apparently native americans are hot in acetate and human flesh. I asked for her number at Goofy's Beach Club Character Breakfast. She told me that her long tortuous relationship with John Smith had left her with a strong distaste for the white man. Damn English!

Of course the cartoon version has tom-toms the size of wigwams and a face that can not exist in the real world, especially on the Rez. Pocahontas' face is so caucasian that it looks like it belongs on one of those sexy goldfish from Walt's early days. She has no nose, just slits -- because fish breathe with gills, stupid. And if her eyes were any more spread apart, she would have no depth perception at all, but would be able to see a larger fish sneaking up on her from behind.

Minnie and Daisy

Actually, Minnie is kinda cute and what does it matter what the chick inside looks like? I'm going to make her keep the head on anyway. Daisy? She's keeping the whole suit on. I've yet to experience a cloaca.* Come to think of it, if she's only done it with Donald she's has no experience with external gentalia, so we're both in for a treat.

Update for 2010

Princess Tiana

Hottest African-American princess ever. Looking good in the flesh and as a computer graphic. I have no jokes because I am old and have not seen a Disney princess movie that's come out after 1999.

Alright I'll give it a try. The cartoon Tiana looks like she's fifteen so you know R. Kelly would hit it -- with piss. The human Tiana is way older and looks just like Phylicia Rashad, but I would hit it. Wait, it is Phylicia Rashad! Phylicia Rashad working at Disney World. It's sad but I'd still hit it.

That's what I get for trying. Next time I'll mail it in.

The highlight of my visit to Disney world was not the real life characters. Human Jasmine was a major disappointment. She was wearing a bathrobe with a hood and was showing less skin than Mary Poppins.

However, if you are a pervert, do not miss Mickey's Philharmagic. Jasmine and Ariel both make an appearance in glorious 3-D and shove their considerable assets right in your face. I instinctively whipped out my wallet and tired to shove a few bills into their g-strings.

Finally, take a look at Ariel, specifically where her body transforms from human to fish.

What is that adipose fin-like appendage that circles her waist and points directly at her vagina (if she has a vagina). It can't be used for propulsion and isn't even aerodynamic.

Here's a close up.

I did exhaustive research on mermaids on the internet for five minutes and found these guys.

None of them have Ariel's g-string-ish fin thing. So, the horny Disney artists must have invented it. I like to believe that they included a zipper hidden beneath her scales that allows for easy access.

Finally (for real this time), during my research I found this photo of Alyssa Milano dressed as a mermaid. Enjoy.

*Cloaca - the posterior opening that serves as the only such opening for the intestinal, reproductive, and urinary tracts of certain animal species. Some fish, and all birds, repitles and amphibians possess this orifice.

Disney Week: The Future of the Magic Kingdom

2010-11-12T08:03:00.018-05:00

I have seen the future of Disney World -- in the movie WALL-E.

Three hours into my vacation at Disney World, I noticed something weird. There were more scooters in the park than there were strollers. When I say scooters, I'm not talking about these things.

I'm talking about these things. You know, Evel Knievel's last ride, the Rascal, a tricked out wheelchair, a scooter.

Thousands and thousands of scooters as far as the eye could see. I knew that Disney had gay days, and military days, but Bring a Disabled Fat Guy to Disney Day? It wasn't in the official guide. After careful study, I noticed something unusual about these disabled people:

They all had a smoked turkey leg in one hand

They all had greasy turkey dribblings on all their chins

They all had several chins each

They all got out of their scooters after they parked them next to the stollers and got on line with nary a limp.

This was not a vast army of disabled fatties. It was a vast army of lazy, fat asses.

I have seen the future and it ain't pretty. The good folks at Pixar gave us a warning -- under the watchful eyes of their evil, corporate overlords.

You know how the humans in Wall-E have evolved into chubby, soft, infantesque slugs that can not even get out of there mobile recliner chairs? I screen captured a frame from the movie and look, a smoked turkey leg and a jumbo-sized Diet Coke. Subliminal product placement? I don't think so. Pixar knows that Disney Imagineers are working feverishly, and in less than twenty years, we will be those larva-like, lumps of lard.

The monorail will stop at the Magic Kingdom. Our electric recliner chairs will disembark and efficiently transport us around the park. We'll go to every attraction, no need to get out of our chairs, they just snap on to the rides. No need to think or make a decision, our chairs will visit every gift shop, every parade, every ride and every turkey leg stand, then deposit us at our Disney Resort hotel room fourteen hours later. Restrooms? Only Granny uses restrooms. Colostomy bags and catheters for everyone, complete with ears!

Why do I care if Americans are too damn lazy to walk? Look at this photo I took of the guys I was with on my trip.

The only photo where I finally got everyone to pose in one place and some frickin princess from Tennessee, a slug in training, ruins the shot with her speedy junior scooter.

If you look closely, there it is, the smoked turkey leg ,and I think I see a second chin begining to emerge.

Be scared people, be very, very scared.

Disney Week: Snow White and the Medicated Dwarves

2010-11-09T08:00:00.014-05:00

I just spent 3 days at Disney World (don't ask) so now you all have to suffer. I am declaring this week Disney Week! First up, a rerun of one of my favorite bits, that's clever, funny, and well-drawn. I have updated the text a little.

Snow White has been busy improving the lives of her housemates. With the help of the Pharmaceutical Research Manufacturer's Association (PhRMA), Snow White has all the dwarves on human growth hormone, and has carefully selected prescriptions for each of their "quirks." Snow White has joined us today as a special guest:

Narcoleptic Dwarf (we affectionately call him Narcky), formerly known as Sleepy, was not only the least productive of the dwarves, but also posed a safety hazard in the diamond mine. Everytime the accident bell rang and I had to pull the lifeless bodies of Dopey and Doc from a tunnel, I knew ol' Sleepy had nodded off at the air bellows. Thanks to the research and development efforts of Cephalon, we sometimes call him "Perky" instead. He stares at the task at hand and performs his job. Just don't try and strike up a conversation or chit-chat, because Foggy will just mumble a few words and go right back to work.

Allergic Dwarf, formerly known as Sneezy, was very pleasant and meant well. But just try to eat your bowl of porridge when the dwarf across the table from you is schnuffling, and dripping, and wiping his little snot covered fingers all over the tablecloth. And when he sneezed! Sure we used it for a couple of cheap laughs when we made the movie but I literally had to get out the mop and the bucket and scrub half the cottage everytime he let one loose. Thanks to Claritin and the good folks at the Schering-Plough Corporation, Ally is a happier, less disgusting dwarf that is a pleasure to live with!

Depressy, formerly known as Grumpy, has finally addressed his issues with his mother, and her prenatal habits that led directly to his disability. Once we titrated his dose to 80 mg per day, he's acted as happy as a lark, even if he still sings like a foghorn. We still give credit to Eli Lilly, even though the cheapskates over at Disney will only pay for the cheaper generic version of the drug. Of course, D.P. can no longer masturbate, but that's one less mess I have to clean up every morning!

Social Anxiety Disorder (SADDY) Dwarf, formerly known as Bashful, was a frustrating little dwarf to be around. Oh, if I had a lump of coal for everytime I just wanted to yell, "Just say it already loser!" -- I could have bought this cottage and sent the lot of them on their merry way. But I'm a beautiful, fairy tale princess that has been wrongfully exiled by an equally beautiful evil stepmother, so I just had to bite my tongue and be patient. My tongue was a mess!

Thanks to Paxil and GlaxoSmithKline, SADDY is much less frustrating to live with. My tongue has healed but now my buttocks are sore from his constant pinching. Given the choice, this princess would take SADDY everytime.

Manic, as we call him now, was Happy to the viewing public, but he had a much darker side at home. We could only film during his "highs," and when the bottom dropped out, he'd hide in the mine for days, sobbing uncontrollably. Only Sleepy could get any sleep for weeks on end. Once the electroschock treatments failed and the lobotomy scar healed, we started him on Depakote. The drug worked wonders leveling out his moods. It's enabled Manic to sign a long-term deal, reunite with his long-time lover Dale, and become a productive, if highly unimaginative member of our group.

Once I tell you that Doc was neither a medical doctor, a Ph.D., or a genius, you'll understand why he was committed for much of his life. When I think back to the early years and those weekly pelvic exams, I just want to cry. Look at those wiggly fingers! Now that we've optimized his dose of Risperdal, we've renamed him Schizzy, and we no longer have to deal with piles of woodland corpses on the porch every morning.

While we enjoyed all the free meat on cold winter nights, Bambi was starting to complain. Schizzy shakes a bit now, but he's got a heart of gold, rather than an actual heart on a gold chain around his neck!

Dopey no more, thanks to the good people at Shire Pharmaceuticals and Adderall. I was sure I'd spend the rest of my life embroidering his name on every shirt, but now he's working toward his GED and actually helps the others count their morning pills! We've renamed him Addy, after the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) that prevented him from focusing on diamonds, learning scripts, and protecting his ass in the shower. Sure, Adderall is just a mixture of amphetamines, but he and Narcky are up all night working on new projects for our production company.

And what about me? Prince Charming and I tried to make it work but I realized that I was happier with the dwarves. Thanks to the wonderful world of today's magical pharmaceuticals, my life is like a Disney movie!

A short note about cartoon character bits. Everytime I do a bit about cartoon characters, I start getting lots of visitors from search engines looking for "cartoon porn, Judy Jetson naked, or Charlie Brown and Linus teabagging." Its a great source of traffic. Of course when they get here, everyone is pretty disappointed. As a prophylatic measure (prophylatic will be good for a few hits), here's an image that may qualify as Snow White porn.

Enjoy!

Freaks and Geeks for Halloween

2010-11-01T12:58:00.006-04:00

I had every intention of carrying on my long-held holiday tradition of watching Mel Brook's Young Frankenstein and a great scary movie. Netflix spit the bit on Young Frankenstein (it's probably showing up in my mailbox as we write) and while George Romero's original Night of the Living Dead was free "On-Demand," without the double feature it just didn't seem right.

So I popped in the Freaks and Geeks halloween episode (that I own) and created a new tradition. Every aspect of the roller coaster ride that is beeing a teen is nailed during this episode. I'm the guy in the back of that photo up there.

I was a stoned out geek throughout school. I was wasted pretty much everyday from my 14th birthday until I was 25. I was never cool enough to be a true Freak (we called them Heads where I grew up on Long Island) so I drifted uncomfortably between the Venn Diagram circles that were the Heads, Jocks, Geeks and Yuppies. So I can identify with almost every character on the show.

I actually dressed in drag with my best friend Dave to pick up my brother at the library. We didn't even have halloween as an excuse. I was driving so I must have been at least 16. It wasn't nearly as funny as Bill. Not much on television or in real life has ever been as funny as Bill.

If I ever get to make a movie, I promise to write really good parts for Bill (Martin Starr) and Neil (Sam Levine).

If you're keeping track, that movie also has a great part for Cheryl Hines.

The Favre Refrigerator

2010-10-22T12:41:00.004-04:00

William Safire, my most loyal reader inspired this post by commenting on my last post. Thanks Bill!

A buddy that works as a PA at TMZ e-mailed me these exclusive photos of Brett and Deanna Favre's refrigerator. While appearing on Good Morning America to sell her book, Deanna explained that she is relying on faith to see her through these troubling times. She even put one of her favorite psalms from the Book of Isaiah on her refrigerator. Now, whenever she fetches her dirtbag husband a beer, she is strengthened.

Let's see what the sleeze mongers at TMZ have waiting for us.

Hmm, not very inspirational. Look, the Favre's ran out of L's. I hate when that happens.

There it is, the "Do not fear" psalm. Between you and me, most of these psalms scare the beejeezus out of me. This one is nice. God must have been having a good day.

The Favre's are a busy bunch. I hope that the TMZ guys didn't pay the maid too much for these photos. They're kind of boring.

Whoa, Junior is not much of an artist. Maybe this child should have been left behind, about three grades! Wait, I apologize, that's his old man's di... Junior's gots the internet!

Stop that! It's only Brett's niece from back east.

Deanna Favre Stands By Her Man*

2010-10-22T08:30:00.000-04:00

Deanna Favre has faith, not in her husband Brett Favre, in Our Lord Jesus Christ. She's depending on God to see her through this crisis. Because, while God and Jesus are too busy raking leaves to attend to starving children, pedophile priests, victims of genocide, tsunamis, earthquakes, or floods, they are willing to go that extra mile for a millionaire housewife from Mississippi that is suffering because her dirtbag husband is sending pictures of his dick to hot young women. God and Son, Inc. work in mysterious ways.

How do you go from this:

To this?

This.

Funny thing is, you knew that there had to be something funny eventually, that is the point of this blog. Funny thing is, that the photo of Deanna Favre looking pissed off that every website is using today is not recent. It's from a 2008 ESPN press orgy where Brett announced one of his legendary retirements. Deanna has that look, not because her husband has been e-mailing photos of his worm to every 25 year old babe in New York but because she's horrified that the worm might be spending the fall and winter at home in Mississippi.

*The Man Deanna is standing by is not Brett, it's the J-Dog with the captital J.

Pathetic Defense of this Unfunny Bit
According to the stats, 95% of the people that come here are looking for four things:
1. Morning camel toe
2. Sandra Bullock's ass
3. C.C. Sabathia's pants
4. Photos of Brett Favre's beautiful wife.

Bristol Palin in a Monkey Suit

2010-10-19T10:15:00.003-04:00

I woke up this morning to find that I was popular! Not as popular as a 42 year old born-again virgin that hasn't jilled off in 20 years is in Delaware. But I ain't bad. Overnight, 40 of you visited my humble blog looking for Bristol Palin in a monkey suit. There you go sweet readers! I always aim to please.
I think Bristol is wearing the pink tutu and the big bow but you never know. Would have been funny if the "girl" gorilla ripped off her costume to reveal, Mark Ballas -- but my gut tells me that would have been too edgy.

Bristol Palin is looking all tan and delicious (like a plump, juicy, glistening, golden brown turkey). I think she's enjoying the California lifestyle. More practice, less lounging by the pool, Bristol! Or your fat ass is going back north to all that ice and snow! Seriously, how is Sarah ever going to get her back home to the frozen tundra?*

Why did so many visitors desperate to see Bristol Palin in a monkey suit end up here where before this post there was no Bristol Palin in a monkey suit?

Google!
Type in "Bristol Palin monkey" and I was number 9 and number 10. Not too shabby!

Now that I actually wrote a bit about Bristol Palin in a monkey suit, I'm sure I'll plummet in the standings.

*TMZ is reporting that Sarah Palin has booked her daughter Bristol on the 4th season of the Flavor of Love. Bristol is promising to be both modest and competitive.

What Does Andy Pettitte Do Behind His Glove?

2010-10-18T14:30:00.003-04:00

What does Andy Pettitte do behind his baseball mitt?

He reads uplifting passages from the bible. Stuff like, "Thou shalt not cheat."
He's sexting Deanna Favre.
He gently kisses the ball then pops it in his mouth -- just like he did with Bud Selig's balls.
He's making sure that his mascara is still perfect.
He's pulling a Jeter pube from between his teeth.
He practices his Brooklynese, stuff like fuhgeddaboutdit and notfanuttin, so that stupid Yankee fans keep thinking he's a goombah.
He's seeing if his hand still smells like Clemens' ass.

and the Number 1 thing that Andy Pettitte is probably doing behind his glove...

He's snorting lines of Human Growth Hormone.

Of all the hated Yankees, Andy "I love Jesus and HGH" Pettitte is my most hated, except for Jeter and A-Rod. Bible-thumping, Roger Clemen's ass-pumping, Andy "I have accepted HGH as my personal Savior" Pettitte is the patron saint of cheaters, liars and hypocrites.

DWTS - Bristol Palin, Modest or Sexy?

2010-10-14T11:43:00.010-04:00

Bristol Palin, Paid Teen Abstinence Advocate, is a contestant on Dancing With the Stars and is doing her darndest to stay modest. That's Bristol down there lying prone on the floor, awash in pink light, her hair artfully arranged by a team of grips and bestboys.

Let's go over the definition of modest, shall we? These Shaker Sisters are my idea of modest.

Not only are these gals going to remain abstinent, so are any men that accidently gaze upon them. I'm even willing to bet big money that when these sisters get together to can pickles, not a one goes a missing. I think that's Christine O'Donnell all the way to the right.
Bristol looks less modest by comparison.

Now, if I was a total dick looking for a cheap laugh, I would slap some Candie's Foundation abstinence propaganda on that pink porno Bristol Palin photo and see how it looks.

Never let it be said that I am unwilling to go for a cheap laugh or that I'm not a total dick.

But Bristol's mom, Sarah would say that we're looking at her daughter with corrupt and evil, East Coast media ivy league bias not heartland, middle America righteous stuff. What do the good people of the prairie see when they look at this image?

Jesus Christ! Really? Damn, I am evil, I live on the East Coast and I get poison ivy all the time. I guess Bristol Palin is modest.

Wait, just one Iowa cornhusking minute! Even the most righteous Idaho Mormons have to admit that Bristol looks like she just dragged herself out of a damp bed after a good pounding. Her outfit and her after-sex hairdo is so sexy, it makes the dancer dude look straight. I don't think the good Sisters of New Lebanon would approve but my dick sure does.

Bristol Palin, modest or sexy?

Brett Favre's Junk

2010-10-08T12:03:00.009-04:00

I haven't actually seen Brett Favre's junk because I'm at work and deadspin is blocked. But I have heard endless hours of penis discussion on sports talk radio, so I think have a pretty good idea what it looks like. Am I close?

Phil Spector's hair and an old turkey neck -- grizzled, gray, wrinkled and floppy.

If I was Brett Favre and I was going to use photos of my dick to snag a hot babe, I would spend some time getting my dick ready before I took the photo. First, I would clean all the pigshit off of it. Brett is always covered in pigshit. Next, I would trim my pubes high and tight. Then, I would rub in some oil so it was nice and shiny and get it as big and as engorged as possible. If I was Brett Favre, I would take 15 seconds and just look at my wife, Deanna, because she is drop dead gorgeous.

That's Brett Favre with his beautiful wife, Deanna. I'm hard already.

After all my preparation, when my dick was looking its very best, kinda like this:

I'd take a photo of it and send it to Jenn Sterger. If you are going after a trophy catch, you have to use the right bait. You can't just wiggle an old worm in front of her face and expect her to bite. Hmm, ouch.

Damn, that Jenn Sterger is so hot she reminds me of Deanna Favre!!!

Wow, they could be twins -- if Deanna Favre was 15 years younger... They really do look a like.

Wait one minute, is a 40-year old Brett Favre trying to date his wife when she was 25?

How to Draw John Bolton in a Suit

2010-10-06T09:21:00.004-04:00

First, you sort of sketch in the colors using cheap, magic markers that get darker when you overlap your strokes.
Then you draw a pretty damn good John Bolton with the best black pen you can steal from work.

Then you put the two together and you get a naked John Bolton which is pretty good but is not the goal of this exercise.

Finally, you draw a suit over the naked John Bolton making all the work you did getting his saggy man boobs and unsightly body hair perfect -- a total waste of time. But that's okay, cause National Lampoon is going to pay you $500 for the effort.*

That is not a skirt. You weren't going to see the bottom of the guy so you got a little lazy.

*But then National Lampoon passes on the bit because it's too UN-AMERICAN!!!**

**Yeah, okay, it was un-American but it was also incredibly racist and misogynistic, and it was full of dick and fart jokes, which more than made up for the un-patriotic stuff.

More Wall Street Journal Humor - The Classic Fortune Teller Bit

2010-10-05T08:55:00.009-04:00

Another Post Courtesy of the Wall Street Journal - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

The Wall Street Journal has a daily cartoon called Pepper... and Salt that I really, really don't like. Apparently, rich Wall Street scumbags have their own unique form of humor that is not funny. Here's today's cartoon.

A whole lot of effort went into drawing that cartoon. That is a great looking fortune teller and the folds in the tablecloth and chairs? Leonardo's Last Supper has nothing on this guy. That is one finely rendered drawing. Then you read the caption...

Whatthefuck? "I see a couch." Lame. Lamer. Lamest. "I see a couch." Really? Next time dude, give me a call, I'll throw you a bone for free. BTW, bone would be better. And where is the "in your future" part of the bit? As in, "I see a bone in your future." Don't eff with the structure of a classic. If it's short, it demands you include an "in your future."

"I see a couch." Lamer than a handjob from Bob Dole, you know, with his bad arm.

As always, I will continue to add captions to this post all day until I think of something funny. You are invited to help but you won't because leaving a comment is too much damn effort, bitch.

Even More Wall Street Journal Humor

The Death of Comedy
Unemployment is Funny
Clone Wars
St. Patrick's Day, No Irish Jokes, Please
Global Warming Wine-ing
Diversity in the Workplace
Dying Polar Bears are Funny
No Child Left Behind
Dog Day Afternoon
Health Care Reform is Funny
Heaven Can't Wait
Bitter Libations
Map Folding Fun
Wall Street Journal Humor is a Bitch

Friday Fotoshop Funnies: Bristol Palin Shakes her Money Maker!

2010-10-01T12:08:00.010-04:00

HOLLYWOOD (Variety) - Bristol Palin appeared as a contestant on "Dancing with the Stars" dressed like a frontier floozy. Her partner, Mark Ballas, dressed like a busboy.

Bristol Palin looks like she could be standing on a corner in Anchorage. "What's that biatch? Only $40? You shittin' me? With all those Russian ships in port? Tomorrow night you wearing black leggings or I cut you like a codfish." Those legs look like they should be holding up a dock in Homer, Alaska or maybe telephone lines.

Okay, I'm a lazy sonofabitch. Can you be more funny?
Any balloon is acceptable. Gay guy thinking.
Bristol thinking, (rimshot, please), gay guy
screaming as that leg causes a hernia
to pop through his abdominal wall.
Leave a comment or e-mail me.

Kenneth Boyer of St. Louis is even lazier than me.

WayneRedGarret11 sent in another gay
obsessed caption. It does look like the guy
is hoping to get a whiff of Levi's cologne.
I believe that Levi wears Musk. Not cologne,
the actual musk from a muskox.

Richard Hebner of Boston hits one deep, it's high,
it's far, it's gone!

DavidWrightWinger goes all sweet and innocent.

Finally someone gets political.
Thanks Michael Phillips from Beaumont, Texas.

I just noticed I mispelled gardener because
HubieB7 misspelled it in his e-mail.
Crap! It's a royal pain in the ass because
I have to redo the whole thing in photoshop
because I was too lazy to save it as a separate layer.

I'm guessing that KK Chapman of Cali
was figuring that you'd have to lift Limbaugh's massive gut
to gain access to his pecker.

More Friday Fotoshop Funnies Fun
Sarah Palin, Naughty Monkey Woman
Sarah Palin Goes Old School
Sarah Palin and Another Baby
Bristol Palin and Levi Getting Married
Flat Sarah Palin
Sarah Palin and Henry Kissinger in Love

Can't Get Enough of this Crap?
During the last election I created the site AndtheOtherisaDog.com (voted by Moveon.org as the leftist comedy site most likely to be mispelled).

Bristol Palin on Dancing with the Stars: Exclusive Photos!

2010-10-01T10:46:00.008-04:00

Bristol Palin dancing with her partner Mark Ballas on Dancing with the Stars!

Bristol and Mark posing for a publicity still.

Rare pink hippo found in Kenya.

Don't bother with the hate mail. First, I have better legs than Bristol Palin and I've got massive calves from playing hockey my whole life. What I also have are these two, cute little body parts called ankles. Bristol, buy yourself a pair of ankles with your new found wealth.

Second, Sarah Palin thinks the media is unfair to her family but her daughter Bristol is a Paris Hilton wannabe. They're both media whores as long as the pimp is Rupert Murdoch. Hey Bristol, wanna be just like Paris Hilton? I reckin' ya better start snortin' the cocaine or give anorexia a try.

Third, that pink hippo in the movie was a pretty good dancer. If Bristol can learn to dance like that pink hippo, she might win. So, this post is actually complimentary.

Friday Fotoshop Funnies - Sexy Sarah Palin, Naughty Monkey Woman

2010-09-24T10:52:00.012-04:00

NEW YORK (Vogue) Republican Vice President nominee Sarah Palin wears Naughty Monkey Red Peep Toe Pumps while making a speech but prefers a pair of pink Lady Asics for after-speech flirting.

I realize that this photo is very old but it is new to me so it qualifies for the Friday Fotoshop Funnies. Forget the stripper shoes, if that skirt was any tighter, Mrs. Palin would need a teamster to help pull down her panties (rimshot, please).

Powerful yet so helpless -- the new, feminism.
Yeah, okay even I have to admit that Sarah Palin
looks hot bent over wearing sexy shoes and Bristol's old,
high school uniform. Can you be more funny?
Leave a comment or e-mail me.

James McAndews, from our 43rd state, Idaho, sent in

a funny, scathing, racist caption. Of all the offensive n-words,
negro is the funniest.

TLeach43 got me lol-ing. I'd like to pump my toe
in and out of that naughty monkey while her red lips are
munching on my b-, oh you know. Nice shoes, nice position, nice caption.

I swear, I put a person of color and Sarah Palin in the same photo
and you guys go all George Wallace on me -- and when I say
George Wallace, I don't mean Governor George Wallace
of Alabama , segregationist, I mean George Wallace of Alabama, funny comedian. RA_Dickey@gmail.com sent in this well-crafted entry.

For all you foot fetish guys that got here from Google looking for Sarah Palin feet.

This one's for you.

The George Steinbrenner Plaque is SO BIG...

2010-09-24T08:56:00.007-04:00

The new George Steinbrenner plaque is SO BIG...

How big is it?

The new George Steinbrenner plaque is so big that..,

It doesn't return calls from the Babe Ruth plaque.
All the other Yankee plaques started revolving around it due to it's gravitational field.
Graceland looks modest by comparison.
Stonehenge is so pissed, it hired Boras.
It's shadow is killing the grass in the infield.
It's dating the Statue of Liberty.
Derek Jeter can build a house on it.
Nixon had to pardon it, twice.
The Rays had no trouble hitting it last night when Sabathia pitched.
It's Al-Queda's next target.
They were able to bury his ego behind it.*

And finally, the George Steinbrenner plaque is SO BIG that...

A primitive tribe in Panama is worshipping it like a god. Oh wait, me bad, that's just Mariano Rivera worshipping it as a god.

*Submitted by reader William Safire.

Friday Fotoshop Funnies - Sarah Palin Goes Old School

2010-09-17T08:07:00.008-04:00

ANCHORAGE (AP) - Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck were paid an oil-tanker-load of money to appear at a 9/11 Rememberance Event.

Glenn Beck likes to use a blackboard to carefully explain his hatred-filled lies. So, Sarah Palin did the same. You go girl!

Oh no! Sarah was too busy to prepare for the event
and is solving anagrams on the fly -- always a risky move. Try again, Sarah!

Yuck, that's not much better. You better get that looked at Mrs. Palin.

Yea! Sarah Palin nails it!

OK. Stop right there. I'm pulling the plug on this Friday Fotoshop Funny, LOOK AT THOSE CANKLES!!!

What's going to happen to Sarah Palin when she looks just like Hillary Clinton? The woman's appearance seems to be deteriorating rapidly. She already has a lot of weird, old lady stuff happening to her neck -- wrinkles, brown spots, dare I say, jowls. And her face is starting to look like a stomping ground for big, black crows. Will Sarah have the same broad, grassroots appeal when she's an old broad in a designer pant suit? More importantly, what is the future of the Republican Party!?!

Have no fear my right-minded friends, I know the answer...

from Joe Biden's own backyard, I give you Delaware's own
Christine O'Donnell
She's younger...

She's cuter...

She's already got all the moves down...

She's way more conservative...
And from the looks of her, she will be lots of fun at
those teabagging parties...
Sarah Palin may have to unpack the long johns and disappear into that long, cold winter's night.

John McCain Worships the Devil!

2010-09-17T07:14:00.004-04:00

Teabaggers Unite!!! Senator John McCain is a devil worshipper, an Arizona State Sun Devil worshipper! Why didn't Senator McCain get the memo?

Pope Benedict's Historic Return to the British Isles Inspires the Return of an Old Bit About Church Pedophilia

2010-09-16T10:45:00.009-04:00

My primary source of broadcast news is the BBC. I find it less biased and their reporter's names remind me of those wacky characters in Monty Python bits. The BBC has been pushing Pope Benedict's visit hard. It's good to see that some long standing traditions in the Catholic Church remain. Priests rape children and the Church covers it up. This pope may be wurst than the last one.

Here's an old bit from 2002. Oldtime Opie and Anthony fans will find an endless amount inside references.

Welcome to the City of Boston's
Little Miss Altar Boy 2002

Welcome to the wonderful world of Little Miss Altar Boy Boston! The Mission of our Pageant is to promote the Teachings to Catholics and All People of God, to Help them Deepen their understanding of Our Catholic Faith and to check out the latest talent from parishes across greater Boston!

DELETED!

Until I can figure out how to get an animated gif to work in blogger, dammit. Can anyone help?

Before you waste your time sending me hate mail understand this, the only thing worse than a sick deviant priest that buggers a child is the Church heirarchy that protects him.

Derek Cheater! So help me, Jeter.

2010-09-16T06:50:00.003-04:00

I believe that it may be time for all Major League umpires to stop worshiping their false idol, Jeter Christ. Home Plate Umpire Lance Barksdale, Jeter Christ does not love you. You and all the boys in blue can stop kissing Jeter's ~~ass~~ rings.

I Just Got a Book Published!

2010-09-14T09:21:00.002-04:00

Not Just One of the Flock

By Bobbi Melonosky
A Harlequin Romance Special Release

Sept 2010
Miniseries: Red State Rapture Collection
Category: Contemporary Romance

When her cheating husband and his young mistress are sent away to Federal Prison for tax evasion and the illegal funding of known terrorist organizations, sophisticated Katie Kummins, a wildly successful, but heartbroken publisher of teen fashion magazines, runs away from the big city to a posh spa in the countryside.

Her quest for tranquility is aborted when she finds instead Jesus Christ, a sexy, alluring, and smoldering -- organic sheep farmer! Will Katie leave her spiked high heels and materialistic ways forever and embrace her new found love of Jesus? Can these two mismatched lovers live together without driving each other crazy?

Read an Excerpt from the soon to be Best Selling - Not Just One of the Flock!

Bobbi Melonosky is the girly name I use when I write chick stuff. Not my image of Jesus Christ. That is a real image of a Burning Hunk of Steaming Savior Love used by right-wing fundamentalist churches to lure in unsuspecting, potential female followers.

A 1950's Guide to Making Love to a Chick

2010-09-09T10:39:00.007-04:00

I found this guide in the April 1956 edition of Girth, a vintage men's magazine. Enjoy!

Actual images were pilfered (without express written permission) from Vintage Scans, an outstanding site I frequent often.

Can You Guess the Quarterback?

2010-09-07T10:30:00.002-04:00

NFL Racial Reality in Black and White

I'm challenging you to guess the quarterback. It does not matter how much you know about NFL football. You can be a grandma from Holland or a soccer fan from Slovenia --with just three helpful hints, I know that you can guess 90% of the quarterbacks in the NFL.

Hint Number 1: About 70% of NFL players are African-Americans.
Hint Number 2: The quarterback makes the most money.
Hint Number 3: The quarterback is the star, often called "the face of the franchise."

That's all you need to know. Study the faces and give it your best guess. Every pair of faces has the quarterback and a player on his team that is closest in size (that is not a kicker*).

Buffalo Bills

Did you guess the clean-cut, white boy on the left? You are correct! Good start.

Cleveland Browns
Yeah, I know, he looks like he's fifteen but that is the quarterback.

Oakland Raiders

How are you doing? Three for three? I told you it was easy. Sure he looks like a psychotic pedophile but he looks like a white, psychotic pedophile. The next one is tricky. Take your time.

San Francisco 49ers

Did you guess the guy on the right? Good for you. I tried to trick you but you were too smart for me.

St. Louis Rams

Wow, might as well have stamped QUARTERBACK on this guy's forehead.

Tampa Bay Bucs
Uh oh, you are perfect so far and yes, they are both off-white. Have you noticed that I am showing a tendency to go to my left? Then you got it right.

Denver Broncos

A Burger King face if ever there was one.

Arizona Cardinals

Getting bored? Did I mention that there are 32 teams in the NFL?

Washington Redskins

Oh no! If you are not an actual football fan, you may have gotten this one wrong. The quarterback, Donovan McNab, is on the right. Wake up, America.

Jacksonville Jaguars

I know what you are thinking, but I did not make a mistake. One of these guys is the quarterback. Don't worry, keep going, it gets easier again, I promise.

Carolina Panthers

Feeling better?

Kansas City Chiefs

Ten years and 63 million dollars will put a smile on your face, even in Kansas City.

Seattle Seahawks

Okay, I admit it, it is getting monotonous but hey, that's the point of the bit.

Detroit Lions

If you get this one wrong, you are colorblind -- which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

New York Jets

Miami Dolphins

Chicago Bears

Philadelphia Eagles

Tennesee Titans

Okay, that was eight meatballs in a row. Do you need other clues? Quarterbacks are considered the "smartest," and they get to put their hands on the asses of their teammates. Neither of these hints help with this pair. Both of these guys look equally intelligent and equally gay.

Baltimore Ravens

I'll see you down at the bottom of the post. I'm confident you'll nail the next thirteen.

Cincinnati Bengals

Houston Texans

Atlanta Falcons

New York Giants

Green Bay Packers

Dallas Cowboys

San Diego Chargers

Minnesota Vikings

Pittsburgh Steelers

New Orleans Saints

Indianapolis Colts

New England Patriots

Thirty-two teams, twenty-eight starting white quarterbacks. That's 88%!!! In a league that is 70% African-American. This is no accident. Pale skin must make an athlete better at playing quarterback.

Pale skin also makes an athlete better at kicking.
Placekicker - 100% white
Punter - 97% white

Broken down by position 2008

The teams are sorted by something called a Quarterback Power Ranking from a newspaper called the Dallas Star. That's also where I got the quarterback names -- with the exception of Donovan McNab and the new guy in Philadelphia and I assumed Brett Favre would come out of retirement.

Friday Fotoshop Funnies - Sarah Palin and a Baby

2010-08-27T09:43:00.009-04:00

SACRAMENTO (Reuters) - Sarah Palin will sign a small, Asian child instead of a book if the price is right.

Just best selling author Sarah Palin and
a bunch of regular folks torturing a baby.

Sarah's hatred of Asians was well documented in an
article in the New Yorker (New Yorker, December 12, 2009)
and Sharpies have a silly name because they are not sharp. Can
you be more funny? Leave a comment or e-mail me.

Elio Chacon of Caracas, Venezuela somehow got this
through Homeland Security. I hate Glenn Beck and I hate
Sarah Palin but I do like titties.

RonTheMasochistHuntMan has a long name but
sent in a very funny caption. Unfortunately, we all know that
Sarah would quit long before she connected all those flowers!

Life is funny FelixTheCat but you aren't. Recycling my
Sharpie comment will not cut it. What is the deal with
that baby? Asleep? Dead? Ecstasy?

William Randolph of South Carolina sent in this winner.
Even the devil is scared of a Sarah Palin that is writing
something. What if he has to read it!?!

More Friday Fotoshop Funnies Fun
Bristol Palin and Levi Getting Married
Flat Sarah Palin
Sarah Palin and Henry Kissinger in Love

Can't Get Enough of this Crap? During the last election I created the site AndtheOtherisaDog.com (voted by Moveon.org as the leftist comedy site most likely to be mispelled).

Good Christian Team Mascots Not Un-American Demon Mascots

2010-08-26T07:27:00.015-04:00

I believe that we are truely blessed that a man like Pastor Donald Crosby is brave enough to protect our children (unfortunately, the only photo I could find of Pastor Crosby is from those heathens at CollegeHumor.com). Over in Georgia, Pastor Crosby has been arrested by the Warner Robins police for the crime of Protesting While Christian! The entire, heartbreaking story is here.

The school administration at Warner Robins High School is secretly turning our children into worshippers of Satan by holding up the demon as a false idol. Nightly crowds of impressionable children cheer for the Demons when they should be embracing Our Savior Jesus Christ.

Look at the guns on Our Lord! Is He saving souls or posing for the cover of a romance novel? Both. Is there a better mascot for a football or basketball team than Our own Rough and Tumble Savior? If you are the Lubbock Lambs, that image might not put the fear of God into you, but the Duke Blue Devils will be cowering in their locker room of sin.

Wake up, Christians!!! Back in biblical times, when God blessed America, He envisioned a time in the far future when 228 million of His Christian Soldiers would rise up against their oppressors in Washington, D.C.

That time is upon U.S.

I did extensive research on the internet for five minutes and discovered that some Courageous Christian schools have adopted acceptable mascots for their teams. Let's follow their blessed example and march forth with Pastor Crosby as Good Christian Crusaders for Our America. Sometimes it is Right and Righteous to be Followers!!!

The Good folks at Liberty University in Lynchburg, Virginia have named their team after their founder, Right Reverend Jerry Fallwell. Here's a photograph of the mascot of the Liberty Fightin' Fallwells, Jerry Falls Well!

That ain't right. That's just an actual photo of the Right Reverend Jerry Fallwell.

That's better. Sinners beware! The Fightin' Fallwells will smash that line!

College of the Holy Cross in TaxandJewsetts is a Catholic institution. I know that as far as Christians go, Catholics are not much better than the Jew or the Hindu, yet, these are the sort of Christians that are daring enough to name their team the Holy Cross Papists.

That's Beatic Benny flagellating the masses into a frenzy.

While researching this article I came across this strange photograph of the Pope at last year's All Hallows Eve Ball.

Are we sure that Catholics are Christians?

Perhaps the most famous date in religious mascot history is November 31, 2009. The day the Southwest Nazarene Fightin' Jesuses of Idaho met the Baruch College Chosen Ones of New York City.

Holy Moses, that was a massacre! Baruch's offensive line parted like the Red Sea resulting in 24 sacks of their quarterback, Marty "The Mensch" Markowitz. Final score? Christians 78, Jews 0.

Props to Ironicus Maximus and Seeing Eye Chick for the inspiration.

Cougar Smackdown - Michaele vs. Danielle: Ripped from the Headlines

2010-08-19T08:58:00.007-04:00

Can you imagine two more different readerships than those of the Huffington Post and the New York Post?

Let's see what the Top 5 most popular stories are today at these shockingly dissimilar news outlets.

1.Yankees take beanball battle; Damon rips Gardner

2. Zac Efron wants to be in 'Memphis' movie

3. IRS files lien against Naomi Campbell

4. Internet thorn in porn world

5. Salahi 'charity' raises zero at premiere party

1. New Jersey 'Housewife' FIRED?

2. Birther Queen Orly Taitz Smacked Down By Supreme Court
3. Kim Kardashian On 'Humiliating' Sex Tape, Her Hairless Body

4. Why We Should Actually Thank Dr. Laura for Her N-Word Rant

5. The Hidden Health Benefits of Alcohol?

Can you tell them apart? I color coded them to help you. The Yankees story is probably the biggest giveaway or maybe the 'Birther Queen' AP report which is not about Octo-Mom but about a dentist that is sueing somebody because Barrack Obama is not a U.S. citizen.

I had to look up Sahali. It refers to those attention whores that crashed a party at the White House. The wife, Michaele Sahali is the latest real houseslut of reality television.

Point is, nobody cares about real news.

Don't Cry for Me, Brett Favre! You were supposed to be immortal...

2010-08-19T07:05:00.007-04:00

Because according to Google, you are demanding it, my first ever repost.

Can ESPN be less credible? Every second of ESPN is about access. They will report anything as long as it assures access to a star player or a league. Actual journalism is left to the other guys. Brett Favre is returning because those three guys knocked on his door, because he misses the guys in the locker room, because he owes it to the VIkes, because he loves football? REX YOU! I'll give you 20,000,001 real reasons Bret Favre is NOT retiring AGAIN, $20,000,000 for 16 games and he because he retired doesn't have to work out like every other player in the league. Honorable, old white guys retire; evil, young black cornerbacks holdout.

Don't Cry for Me, Brett Favre! You were supposed to be immortal... (first posted exactly one year ago, August 19, 2009.)

I figured out why Brett Favre can't stay retired. He lives in Hattiesburg, Mississippi! I know he says he likes it there. I know he says he likes spendin' his time killin' things, huntin', fishin', and trappin'. But if Hattiesburg is so great, how come every August he gets an itchin' to get the hell out of Hattiesburg? Maybe because the average daily temperature in August in Hattiesburg, Mississippi is 99 degrees. And it's not a pleasant dry heat, its 100% humidity heat -- with the nearest ocean breeze 1,000 miles away.

Brett Favre made 890 million dollars playing football. This makes him the richest man in Hattiesburg by $889.5 million. The next richest guy has a lot of pigs. He doesn't even bother to turn it into dollars. He just sends the IRS a couple of piglets every year.

I mean look at Brett over there in Minnesota straight off a private jet from Hattiesburg, Mississippi. He's wearing a hat with SHIT ON IT!!! He has retired to a place where he's ass deep in shit. Pig shit, probably. There's so much nasty shit in Hattiesburg, Mississippi that the cleanest hat Brett Favre could find for his press conference still has a shitload of shit on it. I know what you're thinking, it's a fashion statement, the hat with shit goes with the homeless beard, toothless grin and inarticulate mumbling. I say $890 million and he's wearing a hat with shit on it.

I did some exhaustive research for a few minutes and learned a thing or two about Hattiesburg, Mississippi. Two things actually, because that's all there is to know about Hattiesburg. First, it was named after a wife named Hattie who was born without an edge to her face. Second, it's famous for having a history so racist, the Klan is embarassed.

So, how can we avoid 890 billion hours of Brett Favre coverage on ESPN? How can we avoid the God awful feeling we get watching a grown man crying, over and over again? Somebody has to buy the guy a couch and tell him to move to Florida FerChristSakes! Hey Brett, I hear Arizona is nice, lots of white people and you can kill stuff like snakes and gila monsters.

More Funny Brett Favre Retirement Ranting - includes hot pictures of Brett Favre's hot wife, Deanna.

More Wall Street Journal Humor - The Death of Comedy

2010-08-11T10:05:00.007-04:00

Death has finally updated his technology to deal with the increase in workload caused by the Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeld metrics. Wait, this is the Wall Street Journal. What's the angle? No angle. No laughs. Isn't the whole beauty of a Swiss Army knife in the ability to fold away the various tools so that they are not in the way? If Death's not careful when tries to use that scissor, he's going to take his eye out with the awl.

On a positive note, this is the best drawn Pepper... and Salt I have ever seen -- except for that Estes model rocket. The guy takes all that time to render a killer corkscrew than gives us a Phillip's head screwdriver that looks like crap.

When you first read these cartoons you think, oh no, they're just like the cartoons in the New Yorker, I'm just too stupid to understand them. But after weeks of analysis, I've come to the conclusion that we're smart enough, they just suck, and they almost never have anything to do with business, or the right wing agenda of the Wall Street Journal.

This is the part of the post where I attempt to write funnier captions. Don't forget, this is a "business" comic for Wall Street Journal readers that is officially housed in the collections of the Harvard Business School Library assuring that future generations of MBA assholes will have no sense of humor. If you are the president of a major university and want to house a collection of my work, e-mail me, we'll talk.

And today's winner so far.

As always, I will continue to add captions to this post all day until I think of something funny. You are invited to help but you won't because leaving a comment is too much damn effort, bitch.

Even More Wall Street Journal Humor

Unemployment is Funny
Clone Wars
St. Patrick's Day, No Irish Jokes, Please
Global Warming Wine-ing
Diversity in the Workplace
Dying Polar Bears are Funny
No Child Left Behind
Dog Day Afternoon
Health Care Reform is Funny
Heaven Can't Wait
Bitter Libations
Map Folding Fun
Wall Street Journal Humor is a Bitch

Gone Walking

2010-07-30T09:02:00.006-04:00

Me and my pack will be traipsing somewhere in Europe for the next week or so.

No internet, no updates, no Sarah or Bristol Palin, no N.Y. Post, no morning cameltoe, no morning camel toe, no Sandra Bullock butt, no C.C. Sabathia's big pants, no inside jokes.

To my six loyal readers (you know who you guys are, I sure don't -- but the server statistics do not lie, you guys are out there), thanks! See you sometime in August.

For those of you that accidently stumble in here, I offer a few links to some better than average posts currently buried deep within the archival anarchy of blogspot:

My Thoughts on Patrick Swayze's Passing (with my dick) - Wherein my dick makes its first appearance on this blog -- as a guest writer.

Another Great Moment in Photoshopping History - Wherein I once again brag about my superior photoshopping skills. If you visit only one humorous post about William Howard Taft today, make it this post.

Our Trip to Latkeland and A George W. Bush Christmas Carol - Wherein I bravely make fun of all the major American religions that won't put out a fatwah on me.

My Dick Discusses Avatar 3D: The Nexus of Religion, Spiritualism and Boinking Aliens - Wherein my dick writes a post with a ridiculously long title.

My Dick Discusses the Winter Olympics - Wherein my dick begins my month long obsession with Women's curling and specifically the Dupont sisters of Team Denmark.

More Wall Street Journal Humor - St. Patrick's Day, Leprechaums, But No Irish Jokes Please - A good example of my life-long hatred of the Wall Street Journal and my ability to poke gentle fun at the Irish.

It appears that my dick has written most of the good posts on this blog. Not that surprising given that I have been accused of thinking with my dick more often than my brain likes to admit.

36 Hours in Nantucket: A Travel Guide*

2010-07-22T12:04:00.022-04:00

*Not associated with the series of New York Times articles that pissed me off.

Last week, when the editors at George Magazine pitched this assignment, I jumped at it. With the exception of Houston, Texas, there are not too many places in the world I won't visit as long as I'm paid well and get to expense everything. I borrowed a crisp white shirt with lots of buttons, a pair of Nantucket Reds, and a blue blazer from my obnoxious neighbor Spaulding, and headed for the ferry.

Nantucket is like Martha's Vineyard without the annoying black dog. With a name easier to pronounce than the nearby islands of Tuckernuck or Muskecunt, it is also far more popular. Nantucket is Algongouin for "in the midst of old money," if you ever visit, you literally have to bring a boatload of cash -- not a Boston Whaler, we're talking at least a 41-footer.

Friday 5 PM

Take a stroll down Main Street and stare at people that all look like the grandparents of those precious Lands' End models. It will make you feel good to rudely bump into all these rich assholes that some how manage to spend the whole summer on an island not working, so do it.

Stop in at the revered Mitchell's Book Nook. This store was recently saved from being turned into a Juicy Girl Couture Outlet by the wife of Google Founder, Willoughby C. Googlebinder. Talk about throwing heaps of new money after old. I bought a book of Robert Frost poems set in New England (57 dollars). I plan on sprinkling poems throughout this article in order to haughty it up a bit. Don't worry, they are in the public domain.

Friday 8 PM

The coolest new restaurant in Nantucket is called Dune. Way sweeter than Hard Rock or Mars 2112, you'll be greeted by young Paul Atreides, the heir apparent to Duke Leto Atreides and the scion of House Atreides. Order the tasty Melange-Spiced Duck with a side order of Duncan Idaho potatos (74 dollars) from your lovely blue-eyed waitress.

Good Food in a Fun Setting By Robert Frost

There once was a bistro named Dune
I went there for lunch just past noon
The waitress was hot
A tube collected her snot
When she tossed my salad, I finished too soon.

Friday 10 PM

Have a drink with the young (on Nantucket that's anyone under 62) crowd that gathers down by the water at the Weathered Beam. Try a Boston College Coed on the Beach (28 dollars), that's made with aged rum, Nantucket Nectar Pomegranate Pear Cocktail with a squeeze of an old man's sack. Now try a breathing Boston College coed on one of the sofas that are scattered on the actual beach.

A Girl from Nantucket by Robert Frost

There once was a girl from Nantucket
With a cunt so small no one could fuck it
She said with a grin
As it failed to go in
If you want, I can bend down and suck it.

Saturday 10 AM

Stroll through the Nantucket Farmer's and Artisans Market, two whole blocks containing 65 booths filled with every imaginable piece of crap made out of blueberries or driftwood.

Saturday 1 PM

Get a beach permit for $150 because what are you going to do with that kind of chump change anyway, buy another necktie? Rent a big, gas guzzling SUV (200 dollars for 3 hours) and head out west to Eel Point for the Seal and Turf Special (137 dollars for two). Back in the good old days, Nantucket was famous for more than rich, old people and dirty poems, whales and seals fueled the local economy and the local's gastrointestinal tracts. The tender baby seal breasts sauteed in whale oil partnered with broiled Black Lab tenderloins harken back to a simpler time.

Saturday 8 PM

Put on a pair of Nantucket Reds (70 dollars at Murray's Toggery Shop) or a pair of almost identical looking and way more comfortable pink khakis (27 dollars at Lands' End) and sneak into the Nantucket Yacht Club for whatever lame event they have scheduled. Rub elbows with the kind of WASPs you used to watch on TV. Try to get lucky with a visiting niece or hump a dowdy dowager. You could get really lucky and get to spend your summers in a beautiful place, doing absolutely nothing that betters the lives of anyone but yourself.

Love Lost by Robert Frost

There once was a dawk from New Yawk
Who needed a rich bitch to powk
Struck out at the Club
So he started to rub
And sprayed jizz from Nantucket to Montauk

Sunday 11 AM

After waking up alone, with the realization that tomorrow you have to go back to your crappy apartment and your vitality-enviscerating job, visit the Nantucket Shipwreck & Lifesaving Museum (suggested donation, 40 dollars). Sure your life sucks worse than Karl Rove with a mouthful of broken glass, but at least you haven't drowned in an angry, bone-chilling sea, yet.

Sunday 12 PM

There's just one more chance to overpay for a pretentious meal so head over to celebrity chef Todd English's latest excuse to make barges of money, The Summerhouse Restaurant. Sample classic dishes that have been civilized so that they can be easily gummed and pooped into a pair of Depends. Crab cake with corn salsa and Portugese orphan kidneys (57 dollars) is simply a ramped up standard. Warm lobster salad with ramps and poached Kennedy jowls (64 dollars) is another dish that requires the use of a with and an and.

Sunday 2 PM

While taking a final stroll through the dunes at Bluff Walk, marvel that the many mansions covered with weathered and worn wooden shingles could have been spared this indiginity with the prophylactic use of affordable vinyl siding (1.60 dollars per square foot). As your sunburned legs brush past the poison ivy that the billionaire owners plant along the boardwalk to discourage scum like you, leave Nantucket content with the knowledge that the Lyme Disease that the tick burrowed deep in your pubes is injecting into your bloodstream disables those with blue blood just as effectively as regular red-blooded Americans.

Cheap Shot at the Kennedys by Robert Frost

ol' Kennedy was at a place on the Cape
Where he drank and he drank to escape
He once killed a daughter
But it wasn't manslaughter
And his nephew got away with a rape.

Other Wasted Weekends
36 Hours in Uhstan, Kazakhstan
36 Hours in Phuket, Thailand
36 Hours in Mexico City
36 Hours in Rajasthan, India
36 Hours in Zagreb, Croatia

Next Blog>> Tuesday

2010-07-20T12:34:00.012-04:00

At 12:30 PM on Tuesday, July 20, 2010, I clicked on the Next Blog>> button and got these two blogs. BloggerGoogle claims that these blogs are similar to mine. Let's see how they did.

Blog Number 1: allen. stefanie. & paislee.

First blog up is a nice, young family that doesn't like initial caps or commas but loves Jesus! and periods.

You guessed it. Blonde, smiling, Mormons. I've been to Utah and most Mormons do not look like the Osmonds, they look like these guys. This blog consists of 800 billion photos of their cute, little daughter and their blonde, Mormon friends and family.

Blog Highlights

Please fo not feed the Mormons. I would so do every one of these Mormons and so would you.

After my eyes adjusted to the retina piercing colors, I smiled. That baby better start smiling or they'll ship her to Wyoming. Just kidding, just kidding. I kind of assumed that Mormons would not celebrate Halloween because of Satan and stuff, so, this blog is fun and educational.

Dad after a few too many Grape Fantas.

Mom giving us the obligatory tongue.

I'm giving this blog ***** out of*****. If you want a family blog with a cute baby and a lot of smiles, this is the blog for you. After reading this blog, I kind of wish I was born a Mormon, married this cute, blonde woman and made a baby. Not really, but I have decided to smile more often.

Why is this Blog like Mine?

I'm a half-Jew, atheist from New York City that writes a blog full of raunchy, political humor. The only thing I can think of is that I do take the Lord's name in vain a lot. Does anybody see any similarities?

Blog Number 2: Danice is a scrapbooker!

Great title. I've been singing it to The Ramones' Sheena ia a Punk Rocker for the past 5 minutes. I really like the exclamation mark. You can tell that Danice is a scrapbooker and damn proud of it!

This blog is about Danice's art and her life in New Zealand. It is full of cool, close-up photos of scrapbooking paraphernalia. It is well-written and sincere.

Blog Highlights

On her birthday, her friend made her this cake. Yes, made her this cake. Scrapbookers are multi-talented and seem to be incredibly useful.

And they are hot! Would I do a scrapbooker? Yes, three times!

Kangaroos lounging in the shade. Apparently if you live in New Zealand you can take like a subway to Australia which is better than going to the Bronx.

I'm giving this blog ***** out of *****. This is by far the best scrapbooking blog I've ever visited. I would now like to go to Danice's house, eat cake, fondle her and her friends, and scrapbook -- and that's pretty high praise for a blog.

Why is this Blog like Mine?

I'm the anti-scrapbooker. I let stuff pile up for months then I throw it out without sorting it, or glueing it or covering it with sparkles and bows. I would never be able to organize a book of stuff or even sit still and concentrate for more than 5 minutes. I already stopped humming The Ramones and started singing Fat Bottom Girls by Queen because there was a Brian May look-alike on the site and it totally fascinates me that the lead guitarist of Queen went back to school and got his doctorate in astronomy.

I may have used the words "scrap" and "book" over the past year. I live in New York and Danice lives in New Zealand. I breathe a combination of gases consisting of 78% nitrogen, 21% oxygen with traces of other stuff and so does she.

Summary

The Next Blog>> button sucks.

Friday Fotoshop Funnies - Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston Getting Married Edition

2010-07-16T08:10:00.004-04:00

Friday Fotoshop Funny No. 3: Sarah Palin discusses her Southern Strategy with a Teaparty lawyer. The ethics of this strategy have come into question after the NAACP declared it racist.

Yikes! Scary and sexy. If I was that guy,
I'd be sporting wood and wetting my pants at the same time.

I go topical, incestuous, short, the trifecta
of internet comedy. Can you be more funny?
Leave a comment or e-mail me.

rashburn1927 sent in this oldtimey classic.
If I could hypnotize Sarah Palin, I would tell her to act like a moose
and hope that Todd or Dick Cheney, well, you know...

Thomas Agee of Mobile, Alabama asks the eternal question,
pain or pleasure? Sarah Palin in thigh-high boots, leather corset
and a dog sled whip? Whatever gets you through the night.

NailsNYM4 threw off the chains of political correctness with
this tardy submission. Before you babies all start complaining,
let me assure you that Nails is both mentally and physically challenged
from years of steroid abuse.

Brian McRae of Bradenton, Florida makes it personal.
I like to think that Sarah Palin would get a laugh from my stuff.
Then we would hold hands, get down on our knees and pray to
Jesus for my forgiveness and redemption. After I accept Jesus
as my personal savior, we'd get busy making Christian babies while
Todd watches helplessly, his external gentitals left ruined
by years of snowmobiling.

More Friday Fotoshop Funnies Fun
Flat Sarah Palin
Sarah Palin and Henry Kissinger in Love

Can't Get Enough of this Crap?
During the last election I created the site AndtheOtherisaDog.com (voted by Moveon.org as the leftist comedy site most likely to be mispelled).

The Best George Steinbrenner Stories - Helping the Little People, A Tampa Bellhop Remembers The Boss

2010-07-15T22:21:00.004-04:00

Bobby Melonosky, Bellhop

When I was in college, I worked nights and weekends in a Tampa Hotel owned by Mr. George Steinbrenner. I was a bellhop -- little hat, little velour jacket, I looked just like a monkey. Mr. Steinbrenner had a huge apartment that occupied the entire 9th floor of the hotel. You had to have a special key to open the elevator at that floor.

Funny thing, his wife didn't have a key. Years later, I found out that they had a similar rule at Yankee Stadium. She was not allowed on the floor where Mr. Steinbrenner had his office. It was explained to me by the hotel manager that Mr. Steinbrenner did not like to mix business with his personal life.

One late night in December I was told to go up to the 9th floor right away -- there was an emergency. I hated going up there because I dreaded that I might do some little thing wrong that would upset The Boss. It was great gig for a college kid and I didn't want to lose it. Lots of money for almost no work and I could do a lot of studying between room service calls.

When I got up there, Mr. Steinbrenner was in the shower. I found a big, fat hooker on his bed. She was dead. It was well known that The Boss liked a lady with some meat on her bones. This one looked like a side of beef. I went to the supply closet in the hallway and got an enormous plastic bag that housekeeping used to use to collect the linens.

After a bit of a struggle, I had the poor woman safely in the bag and was dragging her slowly across the bedroom floor when a dripping George Steinbrenner came out of the bathroom wearing only a towel.

What a scene! George Steinbrenner sees me lugging a huge bag of dead whore and you know what he does? He asks if he can help!

"You need help with that, son?" he says.

I was totally freaking out. This guy fired you if your shoe laces were tied crooked and now he was watching my every move. I told him that I could handle the load and then The Boss opened up a drawer, pulled out his wallet and gave me a $100 bill. He said it was my tip!

Two weeks later, I made a repeat visit to the 9th floor -- only this time Mr. Steinbrenner and former President Gerald Ford were both in the shower and there were three dead hookers on the bed. Now, I knew why I never heard about any of this stuff on the news!

He never paid for my college education but the tips were real good.

Even More Best George Steinbrenner Stories Ever

It Happened in an Elevator - John Sterling
Derek Jeter, Gulf Coast League Rookie
Mickey Mantle, Billy Martin and a Cow

PoundtheBudweiser

Glory Days - Books I Writed - Part 4

How TBS Turned Harold and Kumar Gay (not that there's anything wrong with that)

Glory Days - Books I Writed - Part 3

How Did Benny Hill Get So Effing Funny?

Glory Days - Books I Writed - Part 2

Glory Days - Books I Writed - Part 1

Alabama's Own Statue of Liberty

Is Chris Christie Too Fat to be President?

My Dick Discusses The Debt

Cut Off by a Lover of Jesus

My First Wife, Sarah Silverman

More Yankee Hate

CGI My Wife, Please

Rise of the Beneath of the Planet of the Apes Part Two

More Wall Street Journal Humor - St. Patrick's Day, Leprechaums, But No Irish Jokes Please

My Charlie Sheen Jesus Bit Stolen!!!

Charlie Sheen is Bigger than Jesus

Piano Man - The Ballad of Big Ben Roethlisberger

You Guys Amuse and Frighten Me, and Sandra Bullock

The Last (I Promise) Story I'd Like to See in 2011 - Mel Gibson Rises From the Ashes

More Stories I'd Like to See in 2011 - Kim Kardashian and Me

Stories I'd Like to See in 2011 - Part 3: Tiger Woods

Stories I'd Like to See in 2011 - Part 2: Deanna Favre

Stories I'd Like to See in 2011 - Part 1: Sarah Palin

A George W. Bush Christmas Carol

A Very Special Sarah Palin Alaska Christmas

A Charlie Brown Christmas or Linus is a Teabagger

Even More ESPN Humor - Instant Karma's Gonna Get You

More ESPN Humor: Girls and Sports - No Ugly Chicks Allowed

ESPN Humor: Girls & Sports - Dating Do's and Don't's

Happy Thanksgiving!

More Wall Street Journal Humor: Classic Slob on the Couch Bit

Bristol Palin's Heaving Breasts and More Snarky Comments

Black Man Punches Serial Sex Offender Gets Fined $25,000

Bristol Palin's Camel Toe

Bristol Palin's Camel Toes - An Update

Michael Vick is a Video Game

Disney Week: And Disney Created Woman...

Disney Week: The Future of the Magic Kingdom

Disney Week: Snow White and the Medicated Dwarves

Freaks and Geeks for Halloween

The Favre Refrigerator

Deanna Favre Stands By Her Man*

Bristol Palin in a Monkey Suit

What Does Andy Pettitte Do Behind His Glove?

DWTS - Bristol Palin, Modest or Sexy?

Brett Favre's Junk

How to Draw John Bolton in a Suit

More Wall Street Journal Humor - The Classic Fortune Teller Bit

Friday Fotoshop Funnies: Bristol Palin Shakes her Money Maker!

Bristol Palin on Dancing with the Stars: Exclusive Photos!

Friday Fotoshop Funnies - Sexy Sarah Palin, Naughty Monkey Woman

The George Steinbrenner Plaque is SO BIG...

Friday Fotoshop Funnies - Sarah Palin Goes Old School

John McCain Worships the Devil!

Pope Benedict's Historic Return to the British Isles Inspires the Return of an Old Bit About Church Pedophilia

Derek Cheater! So help me, Jeter.

I Just Got a Book Published!

A 1950's Guide to Making Love to a Chick

Can You Guess the Quarterback?

Friday Fotoshop Funnies - Sarah Palin and a Baby

Good Christian Team Mascots Not Un-American Demon Mascots

Cougar Smackdown - Michaele vs. Danielle: Ripped from the Headlines

Don't Cry for Me, Brett Favre! You were supposed to be immortal...

More Wall Street Journal Humor - The Death of Comedy

Gone Walking

36 Hours in Nantucket: A Travel Guide*

Next Blog>> Tuesday

Friday Fotoshop Funnies - Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston Getting Married Edition

The Best George Steinbrenner Stories - Helping the Little People, A Tampa Bellhop Remembers The Boss